


After The End

by a24harris



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, College, F/F, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-01-10 19:16:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12305913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a24harris/pseuds/a24harris
Summary: "I saved your life!" Ashlyn yelled, slamming her fist against the concrete wall before whirling on the other girl with a look of fury and heartbreak in her eyes. "I saved your life, Ali, and you refuse to even look at me. And you know what? I'll take it. I can deal with the fact that you hate me, and that you clearly don't think I deserve to be here. Because at least you're looking at me. At least you're not one of them. I won't apologize for what I had to do, because you're alive. None of the rest of it fucking matters to me."





	1. eulogy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a teaser. First full chapter will hopefully come later today or tomorrow.
> 
> Chapter title song: Eulogy - Bear McCreary

_The following message is transmitted at the Georgia State Patrol:_

_Civil authorities in the states of Florida, Georgia, and Alabama have issued the following warning._

_Authorities across these states have reported incidences of an outbreak of a highly contagious virus. Some reports claim the outbreaks started in hospitals across the area. Symptoms of this virus include nausea and vomiting, confusion, loss of coordination, and eventually, certain death. Reports have also claimed that those infected have acted out in an extremely violent behavior._

_Citizens are advised to use extreme caution and avoid anyone with these symptoms. At this time, these states are under quarantine until further notice. As a precaution, citizens of surrounding states are advised to stay in their homes until the situation is dealt with._

_Stay tuned for further details as they follow._


	2. live inside me, lead me on my way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the first full chapter! Hope you enjoy. Also, please keep in mind that this is a zombie story, so there's gonna be blood and guts. You've been warned.
> 
> Chapter title song: Lead Me Home - Jamie N Commons

“Dammit, Ashlyn! Slow the fuck down!”

Alex Morgan darts from the house, following her best friend into the driveway where Ashlyn Harris is throwing bags into the back of her Jeep.

“Ashlyn, would you please just-”

“No!” Ashlyn snaps, whirling on her best friend. “Alex, I can’t fucking wait, okay? I don’t have time to wait because every fucking second we spend here arguing about whether or not I should go up there is another second that she could be in danger.”

“Ashlyn, please. You don’t even know-”

“I don’t need to know!” Ashlyn snaps again, looking her best friend up and down with wild eyes as she grips at Alex’s shoulders. “Alex, you’ve seen it. I’ve seen it. Whatever that is, that’s not normal. That’s not rabies or whatever other crap the CDC has been saying it is. There’s something going on, something really serious and really fucking dangerous. It’s not gonna be much longer until we can’t leave, and I’m not gonna take that chance. Are you?”

Alex can't help but purse her lips, chest heaving from taking heavy breaths as she rests her hands on her hips. Before she has a chance to answer, a black Mercedes pulls into the driveway, parking alongside Ashlyn’s Jeep.

“You ready to go?” Ashlyn asks as their friend, and fellow Orlando Pride teammate, Sydney Leroux rounds the back of the vehicle, tossing two large duffels in with the rest of Ashlyn’s things.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Sydney responds with a grimace, glancing between the two girls and sensing the tension she’d interrupted. “What’s going on?”

Alex opens her mouth to respond, but Ashlyn cuts her off, turning to face Sydney completely so her back is to Alex as she runs a hand through her short, cropped hair. “Someone,” she bites, voice dripping with frustration, “doesn’t think we have anything to worry about. In fact, I’m pretty sure she said something along the lines of ‘you watch too many of those zombie movies, Harris’.”

Alex huffs, stepping forward so the three are standing in a circle. “Guys,” she almost whines, running a hand through her long brown hair, “this is insane. Some people are sick, so what? It doesn’t mean there’s an apocalypse or whatever.”

Ashlyn just shakes her head once more, turning to finish sorting the bags before closing up the back of her Jeep. “I’m not taking that chance,” she responds with finality, slamming the door shut before pulling her keys from her pocket.

“C’mon, Alex,” Syd almost begs, reaching a hand out to her shoulder, “let’s just go. If it’s nothing, then it’s nothing. It’s not like we can go to practice right now anyways. So just come with us.”

Alex purses her lips, looking between the two of them. Ashlyn’s face is hard, lips pressed tight in a thin line, but she can see the pleading in her best friend’s eyes. Her priority may have been a girl just a few states north, but they're best friends, and Alex knows she wouldn’t leave her behind if she didn’t absolutely have to.

“Fine,” she finally relents, moving to open the door of the back seat, “but I swear to god, Harris, if this ends up being nothing, you’re doing all of the cleaning for the rest of the goddamn year.”

“Deal,” Ashlyn says, breaking out into a wide grin as they all climb into the Jeep.

“Alright,” Sydney says once they are buckled in, reaching for the pistol Ashlyn holds out for her and loading a clip, “let’s go get your girl, Harris.”

* * *

It happened faster than any of them could have possibly imagined.

It was just a random news story. Reports of people acting strange in public, lethargic and sluggish, but violent when another human tried to approach. It had all happened in Florida, though, so it was shrugged off with punchlines and jokes about “only in Florida.”

It stopped being so funny when it started spreading.

The CDC had been quick to respond, stating that it was a few isolated incidences of rabies, combined with some other genetic predisposition that all of those cases just happened to have. Ashlyn hadn’t bought it, her eyes narrowing as she watched the news broadcasts. There was something about the explanation that was so blasé, so cavalier, Ashlyn knew there had to be something deeper. Of course they weren’t going to publicize it, but Ashlyn had spent enough time reading and watching documentaries to know that in an actual crisis, a government organization like the CDC couldn’t be trusted.

When the disease reached Georgia, Ashlyn knew it was time to go. She’d always been a bit of a closet doomsday prepper, terrified but also thrilled at the idea of some widespread apocalypse, so it hadn’t taken her as long as most to gather the supplies she’d needed. A week after the first news story broke, practices for the Orlando Pride had been cancelled indefinitely, their coach stating not wanting to risk the disease reaching the team. Less than 48 hours later, Ashlyn was loading her Jeep up, fighting with her best friend and closest companion to come with her.

She's beyond relieved that Alex had relented, tired eyes glancing in the rearview mirror to see Alex sleeping peacefully in the seat behind her. They’d been discussing the possibility since the first news story broke, but it was obvious that Alex had never believed it to be possible. And yet, here they were, crossing the state line into South Carolina.

“You know she trusts you more than anything, right? That has nothing to do with her not wanting to come," Sydney says softly from beside her, breaking the silence that had filled the car around them.

“I know,” Ashlyn says quietly in response, glancing in the rear view mirror once more before focusing back on the round. “She’s just scared. She has every reason to be.”

“Are you?”

Ashlyn turns her head to take in Sydney’s expression. There is no judgement, only an honest curiosity and Ashlyn knows Sydney will believe whatever answer she gives her. She takes a moment to mull over her response, thinking about the weapons currently stashed on and around them, the duffels of survival gear shoved in and around the backseat. She thinks about the news stories, the brief glimpses of those things that a few lucky people with cell phones had managed to catch on video. There really was only one answer.

“I’m terrified.”

Sydney can only nod in response, turning her eyes back to the road with a heavy sigh.

\------

It's clear that things had gotten worse by the time they hit South Carolina. The traffic had been horrendous for a large portion of the journey until that point, Ashlyn’s idea to escape obviously shared with millions of others in the hours since they’d left Orlando. Now, though, the traffic is at a complete standstill, but the majority of the cars are empty. Ashlyn takes to driving along the side of the highway, her worst fears confirmed when Sydney pulls up a broadcast that had declared a state of emergency and a quarantine for the states they’d just left behind.

They are about two hours away, four at their current pace, when they see the first one. It walks slowly, arms hung limply at its sides and mouth agape. The skin across its face is pale, cheeks hollow as it grunts and groans. Ashlyn slows the Jeep as they pass, careful to not draw its attention as she navigates between the cars that litter the highway. It's exactly like she’d feared, grunting and drooling and as zombie like as something could possibly be, Ashlyn gunning it the second she has an open stretch to get far away from that creature.

She needs to get to Chapel Hill, and fast. Her eyes sting, exhaustion from the long journey setting in, but she refuses to stop. She’s ignored offers from both of her companions to take over driving, needing some semblance of control. Besides, after what they’d seen just behind them, there was no way they were going to get out of the car and risk being exposed. She needs to be in one piece when they finally reach their destination.

_Ali._

Ashlyn’s heart aches as she thinks of the girl they were driving towards. She’d been trying to reach her, but with the way things had been left between them, Ashlyn can't say she's all that surprised to find that her calls are going unanswered. She hopes their history is the only reason, refusing to entertain the possibility that this thing, whatever it was, has somehow reached her ex-girlfriend already.

Her only concern since realizing the severity of the situation had been to get to Ali, to make sure that she was okay. She knows the other girl is a fighter, but Ashlyn’s never ending need to protect her means she needed to know for herself, needed to be beside her so she could make sure Ali stays out of harm’s way.

* * *

The miles fly by in a blur, until finally they're able to exit the highway, the surroundings bringing back a sense of nostalgia despite their current situation. Ashlyn had spent five of the best years of her life here, playing college soccer on one of the best teams in the nation. They’d won multiple championships, Alex and Ali both by her side, and the foundation she’d learned here had set her up for where she was now, goalkeeper for the Orlando Pride. A professional soccer player. It was everything that she’d ever wanted, everything she’d worked her whole life for, and Ashlyn had happily signed on the dotted line without a moment’s hesitation.

What she hadn’t planned for was the way it would affect her relationship with Ali. They’d both tried to stay positive, talking about being long distance for the short period of time until Ali graduated. Thanks to Ashlyn's redshirt freshman year, she was only one year behind her, and her similar aspirations and love for warmer weather meant she had sights set on the same team Ashlyn was newly signed to. Ashlyn was convinced her girlfriend would be able to join her in Orlando, and she’d refused to think of their separation as anything other than temporary. Until Ali tore her ACL barely a month into the season, giving her the chance to red shirt and add a fifth year on to her college career. Suddenly, their time apart had doubled, and Ashlyn's rock solid confidence in their relationship started to crumble.

Ali had pulled away almost immediately, their lives far too busy to maintain the level of intimacy they’d known in the years previous, and the strenuous rehab and dark cloud in response to her injury caused Ali to close off from everyone, Ashlyn included. It was during one of Ashlyn's many trips up to North Carolina to encourage Ali through her rehab in the fall that they’d made the decision to end their relationship, but Ashlyn had been adamant that it was only temporary. “Just until you graduate,” she’d said, eyes brimming with tears. “Then we can be together again in Orlando.” It was a comfort that she’d needed to give herself, a promise she’d held onto as she drove away from UNC for what felt like the last time.

She's ripped from her memories at the soft “what the hell” from behind her, the disbelief in Alex’s voice reflected in Ashlyn’s expression as she looks around her. She navigates through the roads just outside of campus, an uneasiness settling over her at the obvious destruction that has reached Chapel Hill. It looks exactly like one would expect in a zombie apocalypse, windows broken, cars abandoned, and not a single human in sight. At least not a living one. A few of the diseased are walking around, but Ashlyn avoids them, not wanting to draw any attention to their vehicle as it drives down familiar streets.

She pulls up outside Ali's house, thankful that they haven’t seen a single diseased walking around in the last few minutes. It means they have a window to get in, get Ali, and get back out. The didn’t have a plan beyond this, but as long as Ali is safe from harm, Ashlyn knows she'll do whatever she needs to in order to figure it out. Putting the Jeep in park, she swallows thickly, her heart aching slightly at the sight of the building she’d lived in for so many years. She could clearly remember the last time she'd been there almost exactly a year before, the heartbroken way she'd stumbled down the steps, unable to look up and see Ali standing there, saying goodbye for the last time. The time since their break up sometimes felt like years, but in moments like this, Ashlyn could swear it was only yesterday. 

Sydney shifts beside her, and Ashlyn turns, reaching for the shotgun that was stowed on the floor space just behind them.

“Keep an eye out,” she says to Sydney, gesturing to the pistol the other girl has tucked close beside her. “If you see something, call me right away.” Sydney can only nod, swallowing thickly as fear grips her. She’d been hoping that whatever it was, it hadn’t reached their destination, but the eerie calm that has settled over Chapel Hill has been a rude awakening, and she knows something isn’t right.

Ashlyn glances back at Alex, nodding resolutely as she reaches for the door handle. “Let’s go,” she says, shouldering the shotgun as she climbs out of the Jeep, Alex just behind her. Their feet crunch on the gravel as they make their way up the driveway, Alex catching her eye and nodding towards a familiar silver BMW in the driveway.

Ashlyn nods in understanding, wanting the confirmation that her ex-girlfriend was here to ease the tension she felt in her stomach. It didn’t help much, though, Ashlyn taking the few moments before they reach the door to mentally prepare herself for the worst possible scenario. When they've made it up the patio to the front of the building, Ashlyn doesn’t bother to knock, free hand turning the knob as the other holds the shotgun close to her side.

The living room is empty when they step inside, framed photographs of various UNC players littering the walls. It was a house that had unofficially become the women’s team headquarters, rented from a long time supporter who had been more than okay with players moving in and out as they graduated and moved on to new things. Ashlyn had spent three years of her life living in the home, and countless nights curled up beside the girl who still held her heart.

“C’mon,” she whispers to Alex, lifting the shotgun slightly. She continues to move slowly, her steps careful, until her gaze falls on a body lying on the floor. “Fuck,” she murmurs, quickly squatting beside the young girl and reaching out to feel for a pulse. There was nothing there, the blood that pooled around an obvious gash in her neck making Ashlyn’s stomach churn. “She’d dead,” Ashlyn says quietly, standing from the unfamiliar body and turning to face Alex. “Let’s find Ali.”

They continue to move, thankful that they haven’t come across another body, checking each and every room. Ashlyn is just starting to lose hope, thinking the worst possible scenario had in fact come to fruition, when a scream breaks through the silence around them.

“Ali!” Ashlyn yells, recognizing that voice from anywhere. Without another moment’s hesitation, she darts through the house, slamming open the door of the bedroom she’d shared with Ali in years prior the second she reaches it.

The scene in front of her is one that will be burned into her brain for years to come. Ali is on the floor, her desk chair held aloft as she uses it to keep the body coming towards her at bay. The creature is snarling and snapping, focus solely on getting to the girl that's curled up against the wall, tears streaming down her face. It doesn’t take Ashlyn long to register the situation, the shotgun lifting instinctively as she cocks it, no hesitation before she pulls the trigger.

Hope Solo’s body crumples to the floor before Alex catches up to her.

“Ali,” Ashlyn says quietly the second she's sure Hope issn't going to get back up, shouldering her shotgun and stepping forward to take the chair away from the other girl before crouching down. “Ali, hey, it’s me.” She can see the other girl is shaking, shock evident on her face as wide eyes stare at the body lying on the floor.

“Ali, baby, hey, hey, hey,” she says quietly, reaching with both hands to cup Ali’s cheeks, bringing her gaze upwards. Her own eyes dart around what she can see of Ali’s body, relief flooding through her at the realization that she doesn’t appear to be wounded. “It’s okay,” she says quietly, doing her best to soothe the girl.

“Ash,” Alex whispers softly, glancing behind her before turning back into the room, “we gotta go. Now.” The building they are in wasn't safe, too many ways they could be trapped. Ashlyn wants to wrap Ali in her arms, to comfort her and soothe her and take away the pain she can see in her eyes, but now isn't the time.

Ashlyn nods, reaching to slide her arm around Ali’s body, lifting her to her feet. Ashlyn sees her phone lying on the floor where she’d just been sitting, and reaches down to grab it, holding it out for the other girl to take.

“T-Tobin,” Ali says after taking her phone, body shaking as Ashlyn gently nudges her towards the door. “She’s at the field. She’s by herself. She was trying to call me when-” Her voice trails off, eyes wide as she tries to turn once more, but Ashlyn’s arm around her stops the movement, guiding her forward.

Ashlyn grimaces, catching Alex’s eye.

“Let’s go get her.”


	3. all the rules are changing now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song: Black - Kari Kimmel

The drive to the field house is silent, Ashlyn’s eyes darting to the rearview mirror every few seconds to check on the girls in the back seat. She can see that Alex is shaken up by what had happened in the house, but feels a surge of pride at the way her best friend has obviously pushed it down in order to focus solely on Ali. Her arm is wrapped tight around her shoulder, holding her close as her other hand strokes across the back of Ali’s hand.

There's a momentary pang in her chest at the sight of the two of them so close, but Ashlyn pushes it aside before she even allows it to form into an actual emotion. The situation is obviously complicated, far more so than anyone probably realizes in that moment, but she needs to focus on driving, on getting to Tobin and making sure she is okay before formulating a plan. Ali has stopped shaking, but there is a vacant look in her eyes, her entire being falling into an almost catatonic state as they journey through campus. Right now, Ashlyn needs to make sure she was okay physically. Emotionally, she’d deal with when the time was right.

They make it to the field house in only a few minutes, the lack of cars on the roads making navigating through campus easier than it had ever been. It looks empty and dark, save for two side by side windows on the second floor that illuminate a room Ashlyn recognizes as the conference room, lit up like a beacon. A glimmer of hope burns in Ashlyn’s chest at the sight, but she pushes the feeling aside, not ready to get her hopes up.

Ignoring the parking lot, Ashlyn drives right up and onto the steps of the building, wanting them as close to the doors as possible. Once she's put the vehicle in park, she grabs her shotgun and climbs from the vehicle, the rest of the occupants following. She watches as Alex pulled Ali from the car, instantly tucking her into her side and murmuring softly under her breath. Ashlyn’s heart aches, but she pushes it aside, turning back towards the building. “Let’s do this,” she says, nodding her head once to steel herself.

They move slowly, Alex keeping Ali tucked into her side as Ashlyn leads to group and Sydney watches behind them. There doesn’t seem to be much in the way of destruction, but Ashlyn knows better than to think that really means anything in terms of survivors. She pushes the door open slowly, holding her breath until she sees that the inside looks as unscathed as the exterior. They move through the building with purpose, eyes and ears alert as they round each corner until they reach the stairwell that will take them to the conference room. They move up the stairs as a single unit, and if it weren’t for the fact that she fears for her life, Ashlyn would make some ridiculous comment about how they all look straight out of a badass action movie. Instead, she stays quiet, eyes sharp and focused forward.

“This way,” she breathes out, nodding her head in the direction of the conference room. She holds her shotgun at the ready, every step and every breath echoing in the silence around them. Ashlyn would never admit it, but in that moment she's terrified of what she might find. Still, she has to know, wanting to be able to give Ali something concrete about her best friend when she finally comes out of the shock she’s found herself in.

Meeting Sydney’s eyes when she reaches the door, Ashlyn nods, pushing the door open and stepping into the room, whipping back and forth with the shotgun as she sweeps the space, narrowly dodging the blade that comes flying at her head before it embeds itself in the door behind her.

“Oh fuck,” she hears from across the room, eyes widening as she watches Tobin Heath stand from behind a flipped couch, her hands coming up to cover her mouth as she stumbles forward.

“Ashlyn??” she questions with shock, her slow steps turning into a run as she darts forward, snatching the other girl up into a hug. “Holy crap, I almost took your freaking head off! Dude, you gotta announce yourself. You coulda been one of those...things.” Tobin speakd a mile a minute, stepping back and letting out a shaky breath.

“Guys,” she calls behind her, “it’s all good. They’re humans. Well, some of ‘em. Ash, we’re all not so sure.”

Her voice is teasing, the easiness feeling almost foreign to Ashlyn as she lowers her shotgun, looking beyond Tobin to see three more people crawl out from behind the couch. Kelley O'Hara, Dom Dwyer, and Christen Press are all obviously shaken, but there isn’t a single sign of blood, and Ashlyn’s shoulders relax for the first time in hours, eyes stinging with relieved tears.

“Shit,” Ashlyn sighs, her voice cracking slightly, “I never thought I’d be so happy to see you fuckers alive.”

* * *

“So, what exactly is our plan?” Alex asks from her spot beside Ali on the couch, the other girl curled up and staring at the wall across the room with a vacant look in her eyes. They are all grouped in the conference room, doing their best to fill each other in with whatever information they knew about the havoc that had spread outside and formulate some sort of an action plan.

It hasn’t taken Tobin long to fill them in on how she’d ended up playing Rambo in a conference room with several other UNC soccer players. She’d been at the field practicing when she’d first spotted one of them - “a zombie,” Ashlyn interrupts, before Alex sends her a harsh glare - lumbering across the field towards her, Tobin quick to disappear into the field house and try to get ahold of someone and figure out what was going on. She’d managed to text or call almost everyone on her soccer team, only getting a response from Christen, who luckily was in the same field house with Dom and Kelley working out.

“We tried to hole up after that,” Dom supplies, continuing the story from where Tobin had left off. “We couldn’t get a hold of anyone, but they were all over the place. Walking around campus and shit. Not a lot of 'em, but enough that it wasn't a good idea to be out there. Figured we might as well lock ourselves up in here until we knew what was happening. Blocked doors, tried to cover the windows, all that crap you see in the movies. Figured we’d leave the front door in case there was anyone else out there, y’know? Just never figured it’d be you, Harris. The fuck you doing here anyways?”

Ashlyn doesn’t respond, tired eyes shifting over to where Ali sits on the couch. It's enough of an answer, though, the others shifting uncomfortably as Ashlyn waits, pleading silently with her eyes for Ali to look up, to acknowledge her, to say something to let her know that she's okay. Still, Ali sits silently, her eyes locked on the wall directly across from her. Ashlyn turns back to the table with a sigh, shaking her head and meeting Dom’s eyes. There's an understanding in them, and a dash of sympathy that makes Ashlyn’s stomach churn.

“Anyway,” Alex continues breaking the silence that had settled around them, seeing the pain in her best friend’s eyes. “Plan. We need one.”

Ashlyn glances around the room, waiting to see if anyone is going to speak up. She's surprised to see almost every pair of eyes turned to her, expectant and waiting for her to speak up. _Okay then_ , she thinks to herself,  grimace spreading across her face,  _guess I’ll take this one_.

“At this point, we don’t even know how big this thing is,” she says quietly, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table in front of her. “Florida, Alabama and Georgia are under quarantine, but it’s obviously spread even more at this point and is gonna continue to spread. Leaving...it might not get us away from this.”

“When was the last time we got an update?” Kelley asks, chewing on her bottom lip in a nervous habit that Ashlyn recognizes from games in years past.

“Ash, can you see if you can pull anything up on your phone?”

Ashlyn nods at Sydney’s question, digging in her pocket for her phone and opening the internet.

“Maybe we should just go,” Christen supplies with a shrug, pulling her hair up into a ponytail and securing it with the tie around her wrist before leaning back in her chair. “Get the hell outta here and see if we can’t outrun this thing. I mean, they’re containing it, right?”

Sydney scoffs at that, shaking her head and sighing. “Hate to break it to you,” she says with a grimace of her own, “but there’s no damn way they’ve got this contained. It practically chased us here. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was nationwide.”

“Syd’s right,” Ashlyn says with defeat, shoving her phone back into her pocket after having read the latest update she could get her hands on. “It’s all the way into New York at this point. There’s nowhere left to go. So, unless anyone else has a better idea…” She trails off, everyone understanding exactly what she was getting at.

“Well,” Alex says with finality, nodding her head before leaning back in her chair “I guess that means we’re staying here.”

“Shit,” Dom mumbles under his breath, hands falling onto the table in front of him, “I guess we should all get comfortable. And, y’know, actually get to know one another.”

“Uh, right,” Ashlyn responds, realizing that Sydney wouldn’t know the rest of their group. “Syd, this is Dom, Kelley, Christen, and-”

“Tobin Heath,” Tobin says with a grin, reaching her hand out across the table.

“Sydney,” she replies with a small smile at the other girl’s enthusiasm, taking the offered hand and shaking it.

“Leroux. Yeah, I’ve seen you play.” Tobin says with a grin, running a hand over her head to push back the stray hairs that had been hanging in front of her eyes. “You’re pretty impressive. Uh, y’know, on the field.”

Sydney grins in response, but Ashlyn notices the way her smile falls almost immediately, the reality setting in that the life they’d all left behind would probably never return. Everyone else seems to pick up on it, shuffling awkwardly and clearing their throats as they glance at their companions.

“Thanks,” Sydney finally responds, doing her best to break the tension before looking around the small group they’d unintentionally formed on their rescue mission. Ashlyn watches her before her own eyes do the same, before getting held up at the sight of Ali curled up on the couch across the room.

“Wait a minute,” Alex interrupts. “Dom, what exactly are you doing here? Weren’t you supposed to be in New York for the Syracuse game?”

Dom grimaces at the question, hand coming up to rub at the back of his head. “Supposed to be,” he finally says, shrugging his shoulders before leaning back in his chair, his signature grin spreading across his lips despite the serious situation they’ve all found themselves thrust into. “Coach wasn’t very happy when he found out I’d been the one to streak through the lacrosse game the other day with “Tar Heels” painted on my ass, so I was told to stay home and “learn about maturity and professionalism.””

Ashlyn lets out a low chuckle at Dom's comment, shaking her head as the corners of her lips curl up into a smile. The situation is obviously tense, but she appreciates the fact that they're still making jokes, knowing that if this was going to be a long term thing, they’re gonna need to find a way to live their day to day lives beyond just surviving.

“Typical,” she snorts with a roll of her eyes. She’ll never admit it out loud, but she's grateful to have him around and not in New York with the rest of the team. It may have put him more in the line of danger, but Dom's one of her best friends, and she's grateful to be surrounded by people she cares about. Besides, he's a fighter, and she has no doubt he’ll prove himself to be useful in the coming days in helping them all adapt.

It doesn’t take long for reality to set in, though, the joking quickly falling to the wayside as they all discuss their current situation, doing their best to come up with some semblance of a plan. The field house is pretty well stocked as it is but they would need far more in terms of supplies if they're going to stay long term, and Ashlyn knows they’ll need to secure things if they want to sleep peacefully at night.

“Shit, I just realized...” Tobin says suddenly, interrupting their brainstorming session as she sits upright, everyone’s eyes turning towards her. Ashlyn notices the way her lips curl downwards, the small light that had been in her eyes diminishing as she looks around the group of people before focusing solely on Ali where she sits across the room, “where’s Hope?”

Alex and Ashlyn both start to talk, hoping that Ali's too far gone in her current state to hear the question.

“She, um-” “We had to-”

They both stop, glancing sideways at each other before Ashlyn nods, taking on the responsibility of telling the others what had happened to their friend.

“Hope…” she starts, feeling that same uncomfortable churning in her gut, “...she was...she’d become…”

“Ashlyn killed her.”

Seven sets of surprised eyes turn towards the small body on the couch, Ali having seemingly broken out of the trance she’s been since they’d pulled her from the house an hour before. The cold bite to Ali’s voice shakes Ashlyn to her core, the first words out of her mouth since their reunion dripping with hurt and anger in a way that pulls focus from everyone in the room.

“Go ahead,” she continues, standing from her spot on the couch and nodding towards Ashlyn, her scared demeanor melting away as fury and tears fill her eyes, “tell them, Ashlyn. Tell them how you stormed into my house, raised your gun without even thinking about it, and shot my girlfriend.”


	4. get out of those lonely arms, my dear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song: Turn Into The Noise - Patrick Wilson

A low grunt falls from Ashlyn’s lips as she's slammed back against the wall, eyes squeezing shut against the assault against her neck. 

“Fuck,” she breathes out, unable to help the way her hands shoot up to grip at brown hair as her hips jut forward. “What about the -” They need to talk, especially before something like this happens. But it was obvious that neither could deny what they both clearly wanted, words forgotten in favor of grunts and moans. 

“Hush,” the other girl demands quietly, before dragging Ashlyn from the wall and turning to push her further into the room that had designated as her “bedroom” in the field house. “Just shut up and let me fuck you.”

Ashlyn stays quiet after that, going willingly when she's dragged down to the floor.

* * *

>   _“Go ahead,” she continues, standing from her spot on the couch and nodding towards Ashlyn, her scared demeanor melting away as fury and tears fill her eyes, “tell them, Ashlyn. Tell them how you stormed into my house, raised your gun without even thinking about it, and shot my girlfriend.”_

Ali’s words are still echoing in Ashlyn’s ears, her heart clenching painfully in her chest as she shoves the bookshelf forward, the way it falls and clatters against the ground somehow calming the storm inside of her.

“Shit,” Dom breathes out, hand hovering over the gun at his side, the sudden bang scaring him and causing him to whirl around to face Ashlyn. “A little warning next time would have been nice.”

“Sorry,” Ashlyn shrugs, running a hand through her short, cropped hair, chest heaving under the shaky breath she has to remind herself to take.

Dom nods, seeing the tension that's clearly still radiating from the other girl.

“Ash, she’s just in shock,” he starts, but Ashlyn cuts him off with a quick glare.

“Don’t,” she bites out, not ready to deal with what had happened less than an hour before in the conference room. “She made her feelings perfectly clear. We don’t need to talk about it.” Still, despite wanting to think of anything else, Ashlyn finds herself replaying the entire encounter yet again, eyes stinging at the recollection. She's never seen Ali look at her like that, without a single hint of love or caring in her eyes. Even when things had fallen apart, there'd still been something there - the promise that Ashlyn had clung to, that somehow, someday, they'd work things out.

Alex had been the one to break the silence after Ali’s statement, standing from her chair and coming round to stand between the two girls, everyone else looking on silently.

“Ali,” she’d started, her hands coming up to grip at her shoulders, doing her best to soothe the other girl, seeing the hurt and anger that was radiating off of her. “She was...Ali, she was gonna hurt you.” 

“No!” Ali snapped, stepping back and looking wildly between the others in the room. “You don’t know that! No one even knows what’s going on or what this is, and…” She broke off, sucking in a shaky breath as her chest heaved. “How do you know she wouldn’t have been okay? Maybe this is just temporary. But now. Now she’s-”

She broke off, the first tear spilling over as Tobin quickly stood to her feet, murmuring a soft “I got this” to Alex before pulling Ali into her arms and running her hand up and down her back.

“C’mon,” she murmured, pulling Ali from the room without another word.

There was a part of Ashlyn that itched to follow, but Ali’s words still rung in her head, her body held in the spot as shock worked through her. When she’d burst into the room, it had only taken her a few seconds to assess what was happening, and she’d known in that moment that she needed to protect Ali. She hadn’t thought of anything beyond that, and it was obvious that Ali was going to let her shoulder the blame for what had happened.

“Ash..” Alex started once Tobin and Ali had left the room, but Ashlyn shook her head, putting an end to the conversation before it could even start.

“Not now,” she said, clearing her throat before doing her best to focus everyone back on the task at hand. They had far more important things to worry about, and Ali and Ashlyn’s personal problems would just have to wait.

Ashlyn's ripped from the memory at the feel of Dom’s hand coming to rest on her shoulder, an attempt at solidarity that she appreciates despite shrugging it off. “She’ll come around,” Dom supplies again, blatantly ignoring Ashlyn’s obvious disinterest in continuing the conversation. “Any of us would have done the same thing if we were in your position.”

“But you weren’t,” Ashlyn says with such a sadness that it surprises her, realizing she's having this conversation whether she wants to or not. She takes a moment to mull over her thoughts, pushing the bookshelf closer to the door. After Tobin had returned, explaining that Ali had fallen asleep on one of the trainer’s tables, they’d made quick work of divvying up tasks. Ashlyn and Dom were in charge of blocking off all of the entrances on the first floor, save for the back door entrance that led into a gated parking lot that they would use to enter and exit the building.

“You weren’t the one to do it,” she finally continues, swallowing thickly against the knot that was digging itself deeper into her throat. “Hope- Hope was her girlfriend, and I’m the ex that everyone knows is still madly in love with her. No matter what way you swing it, this doesn’t look good.”

“Maybe not, but you were saving her life. She’ll see that.”

Ashlyn can only grimace, hoping beyond all hope that it was true. As it stood, they were staying in this building for the foreseeable future together. Ali would have to forgive her at some point, right?

* * *

It's hours later when Ashlyn finally retires to the space that had been designated her room, looking around the small office. It's bare except for a single mat on the floor, stolen from a table in the training room, the rest of the furniture taken to use for blocking doors and windows around the building. They're planning to go out tomorrow looking for more supplies, but it had gotten dark far quicker than anyone had expected, and they're not yet in a position to defend themselves without the help of daylight yet.

With a sigh, Ashlyn crosses the small space and sits down on the mat, pulling the shotgun strap from around her neck before placing the gun on the floor beside her. Her hands come up to rub at her face, the exhaustion fighting at the edge of her mind. Still, she knows she won’t be able to sleep any time soon, far too much happening in the last day for her to relax enough to fall into a slumber.

It terrifies her to think that just that morning she’d been in Orlando, waking up to the news. Now, she was in North Carolina, beyond grateful that Ali was alive but unable to keep the nagging thought away that perhaps she’s made things worse by coming here. She pushes the thought aside almost as fast as it comes, scolding herself for even entertaining it. Ali's here, and she's alive. Her friends are alive. It's not that she feels any doubt about their abilities to survive if they'd been on their own, but they were stronger together, and she knows they’ll all see that eventually. Even Ali.

She sits there for what feels like hours, her mind racing despite how late it was. A knock at the door pulls her from her thoughts, Ashlyn pushing off the floor with a grunt as she moves to open it.

“Alex,” she breathes out, feeling a mix of relief and frustration at the identity of her late night visitor. Alex had been a comfort more times than Ashlyn could count in the past months, but the last thing she wants in that moment is to talk. “What are you doing here?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn breathes, stepping back slightly and opening up the door, “me neither.”

There's a poignant silence between the two of them, Alex's eyes scanning every inch of Ashlyn's face. She can see the defeat written on her best friend, the hollow eyes and slumped shoulders conveying more than the lack of words ever could. 

Within a moment, Alex has made up her mind, pushing into the room and shutting the door behind her before her hands came up to the short hairs at the back of Ashlyn’s neck. Lips are on hers before Ashlyn can process it, her body going willingly when Alex pushes further into the room, pressing Ashlyn roughly up against the nearest wall.

* * *

They’d started this thing between them almost a year ago. When Ali and Ashlyn had officially broken up last year, Alex had been the one to pick up the pieces, opening up her arms the second Ashlyn walked through the door of the home she’d planned to share with Ali and burst into tears. She’d comforted her when she’d needed it, taken her out for drinks when she’d wanted to forget, and was never more than a phone call away anytime Ashlyn called.

Both of them had freely admitted that it had been an accident the first time they’d slept together, a drunken mistake that had lasted well into the morning. Still, the fact that it was unexpected didn’t stop them from continuing their trysts whenever both were willing. There was no jealousy, no entanglement of a relationship, and the sex between them was amazing. Beyond all of that, though, Alex knew it helped Ashlyn to cope with the loss of Ali in her life. They’d been best friends before they’d been girlfriends, and the complete radio silence from the younger girl had devastated Ashlyn more than she could verbalize. She’d admitted as much to Alex after one particularly rough night, whispering softly that the times they were together were some of the few times she could forget Ali and everything that had happened, falling into a deep sleep when her body was sated from sex.

It was an easy arrangement between the two of them, and Alex had been more than willing to engage, both of them clearly establishing that it would never go anywhere and was purely physical. Still, there were a few moments where Alex had worried that she was only making things worse for her best friend, especially when Ali and Hope’s relationship had come to light.

Ashlyn had shown up on her doorstep, clearly drunk and soaked from head to toe, Alex unable to ignore the look of heartbreak she could see in that moment on her best friend’s face.

“She’s dating,” Ashlyn had said quietly, tears running down her cheeks and mixing with the raindrops that were sliding down her skin.

“Jesus, Ash,” Alex had breathed out, glancing behind her to see no Jeep in the driveway, “did you fucking walk here?”

“She’s fucking dating,” Ashlyn bit out again, spinning on her heels suddenly to throw her phone aggressively into the front yard, Alex watching as it skittered across the pavement of her driveway, breaking into multiple pieces.

“Well that was stupid,” she supplied, but she could see that the outburst had made Ashlyn feel better.

“Fuck her,” Ashlyn finally said after a few moments, turning back to face her best friend. “Fuck her. She can go fuck Hope all she wants. She’s obviously over me.” Alex wanted to make a comment that the two of them been sleeping together for quite a while at that point, and Ashlyn clearly wasn’t over Ali so the assumption wasn’t fair, but she kept her mouth shut. She’d seen the picture Ali had posted on Instagram. Whatever she had with Hope, it was obviously romantic in nature, and it didn’t compare to the two of them using each other for a physical release.

Ashlyn had shrugged out of her jacket after that, pushing her way into the house and slamming the door before snatching Alex into her arms and lifting her to wrap around her waist. They’d barely made it to the kitchen table before Ashlyn had them both stripped, her wet clothes in a pile on the floor as she took Alex aggressively. There was no affection or tenderness in her actions, but Alex did nothing to change it, powerless to stop the way her body gave in to Ashlyn’s relentless demands. In the end, she was covered in bruises and marks, perfect indents of Ashlyn’s teeth on the soft skin at her hip a reminder of their night.

Alex had been quick to lay down the ground rules after that. She wouldn’t allow Ashlyn to use sex to push aside dealing with her feelings, and Alex definitely wouldn’t be used just to help Ashlyn get off. She’d told the other girl as much the next morning.

“If you want sex, we’ll have sex. But I’m not gonna let you fuck me instead of talking. From now on, when you’re upset about things, we talk. When that’s over, then we can get naked. That's my final offer,” Alex had said, sitting up naked in bed with the sheets pooled around her waist, her arms crossed over her chest as she looked down at Ashlyn. She had a serious expression on her face, but the sudden sternness combined with her current state of undress had made Ashlyn laugh, a tattooed arm reaching out to pull Alex down into her, sighing out an agreement before pressing their lips together. She wasn’t exactly thrilled at the thought of having to talk about things, but she knew Alex was only looking out for her. She had a pretty bad self-destructive streak, and she’d promised herself a long time ago that she’d do her best to take other people’s advice when they called her out on it.

Luckily for both of them, the new arrangement had helped, the pseudo therapy sessions doing wonders for Ashlyn’s overall outlook on life and her break-up with Ali. She was obviously still pining for the other girl, and there were times when Alex would catch her with a far away look in her eyes, knowing that she was remembering years past, but over time, Ashlyn became her old self again. The sex between them continued, but it became more fun and playful, the two of them enjoying each other and what they could give without worrying about anything else.

* * *

 Alex lets out a low grunt as she falls back against the mat on the floor, Ashlyn’s body coming to rest on top of her before the other girl settles into her side, tattooed arm slung low across her stomach.

“Shit,” Alex breathes out under her breath, chest heaving.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn replies, burying her face into Alex’s neck and pressing a soft kiss against the thrumming pulse she can feel there. “That was…”

“Totally against the rules,” Alex supplies, letting out a low whine when Ashlyn’s teeth graze against her sweat slickened neck.

“Oops,” Ashlyn responds, lifting up on her arm so she could look down at Alex, her free hand absentmindedly tracing patterns on her bare stomach. Her eyes are bright, but Alex can see the darkness lurking in them, guilt churning in her stomach. There was so much that Ashlyn wouldn't say, but her eyes had always given her away, and Alex knows her well enough to see everything brewing behind them. The pain breaks her heart, a hand reaching up to cup Ashlyn's jaw.

“Do you want to talk-”

Ashlyn shakes her head to cut the other girl off before she can even finish her sentence, squeezing her eyes shut and burying her face back into Alex’s neck.

“Not yet,” she says quietly, her voice muffled where it reverberates against Alex’s neck. "Please. We can talk tomorrow." Her words are soft, almost whining, and Alex can hear the vulnerability in every syllable. "I'm just so fucking tired and I wanna sleep."

Alex nods before letting out a sigh, her hands coming up to stroke along Ashlyn’s back. She wants to be mad at herself for breaking her own rules and having sex when Ashlyn clearly needed to talk, but it's not like the past twenty four hours have been normal, so she supposes they deserve a free pass. As she feels Ashlyn’s breathing even out, the other girl falling asleep beside her before her own eyes start to flutter in exhaustion, she tells herself that it's okay, reminding herself that sometimes rules were meant to be broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! A lot of this has been setting up backstory, but things should be moving right along after this. Please let me know what you think - feedback and comments always make writing easier. :)


	5. with my bus and my band I'm taking a stand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song: Hey, Hey, Hey, We're All Going To Die - Jack's Mannequin

If there's a state beyond utterly exhausted, Ashlyn iss at least five steps beyond that.

Her eyes droop as she looks out at the campus around her, shifting her weight from foot to foot while she grips the rifle tight in her hand. It's her turn for watch, and while she’d rested up plenty in the hours leading up to her shift starting, her body is still exhausted and worn, and she wants nothing more than to crash and sleep for the next twenty four hours.

“Wake up, Harris,” Christen, her shift partner, says with a teasing lilt to her voice, nudging Ashlyn’s shoulder. “We’ve still got a bit before Syd and Tobin come up and relieve us.”

They’d managed to work out a system that was relatively simple, rotating shifts of standing guard on the roof of the field house. They worked in teams of two, never leaving a man on their own. When they needed to do supply runs or scavenge for items, at least four went, two for guard and two for gathering the supplies. Anyone who wasn’t on guard or on a run stayed within the confines of their compound, working out, organizing weapons, or doing whatever they could to keep their mind busy.

The compound had been organized relatively easily. The field house building was small, but big enough that they were able to turn it into a functional living space. The second floor housed the conference room and several offices that had been converted into individual bedrooms, as well as a small athletic training room that was stocked full of medical supplies Ashlyn knew would come in handy in the future. On the first floor, the lobby had been blocked off completely, the double doors barricaded in favor of a smaller side door that let out directly into the fenced parking area. There was also a full size kitchen with an attached small lounge area, and men’s and women’s locker rooms that were connected with a large gym in the middle. It wasn’t luxurious by any means, and they’d stripped the entire building down to the basics while attempting to barricade the doors and windows, but it worked for them.

It's been a week since her arrival, and they’ve fallen into their routine in such a seamless way that Ashlyn is starting to forget this hadn’t been planned for weeks in advance.

“I’m awake,” she murmurs, eagerly accepting the coffee Christen holds out for her with a grateful hum.

The two stand in silence for a few moments, eyes trained out to the land that surrounds the field house. It's a comfortable silence, the two familiar enough with each other that Ashlyn doesn’t feel the need to fill the void, but not close enough that Ashlyn is sure she's ready to open up about her thoughts and fears about their current situation.

“That thing looks kinda vicious,” Christen finally says to break the silence, nodding her head towards the holster that Ashlyn has strapped to her body, the karambit tucked just where her left arm meets her torso.

“Oh, yeah,” Ashlyn agrees, setting down her coffee on the roof ledge before reaching to unsheath it and spinning the blade in her hand with practiced accuracy. “It’s pretty handy, but hopefully nothing ever gets close enough for me to need it.”

Christen nods silently, taking note of the way Ashlyn’s knuckles have gone slightly white in her grip on the blade handle. The two knew each other from soccer seasons past, Christen a few years younger, but they weren’t close by any means, and she's not sure it's her place to comment on the tension that never seems to leave the older girl’s body.

“So, did you just stockpile all these weapons, or..” She trails off, arching her eyebrow as Ashlyn spins the blade in her hand once more before slipping it into its sheath, her eyes never shifting from her gaze out towards the horizon.

“I kinda always worried something like this would happen,” Ashlyn responds with a shrug, her lips curling up in a mirthless grin as she finally turns to look at the other girl. “At first it was just for fun, y’know? Stockpile some MREs, learn how to shoot a gun with my brother. It was a dumb hobby that turned into a passion. I guess I never really let myself think that it might be useful someday.”

Christen nods in understanding and something akin to sympathy, looking down at the rifle in her hands. “Kinda scary, though, don’t you think?”

“What,” Ashlyn responds, reaching for her cup to take another sip of her coffee, “the fact that I had an entire arsenal hidden in my garage, or the fact that it ended up being necessary?”

Christen chuckles in response, shaking her head. “Both, I guess.”

“Eh,” Ashlyn shrugs, reaching up to tug the beanie on her head down over her ears, the chill of the November air getting to her. “It is what it is. There’s not really anything we can do about it at this point, I guess we’re just gonna have to adjust to living like this from now on.”

It's said with such an air of nonchalance that Ashlyn almost doesn’t recognize herself, the tone in her voice a complete contrast to how she's actually feeling in that moment. Still, worrying and panicking does nothing to help the situation, and with the radio silence and lack of humans they had seen over the last week, she's not going to bother hoping for anything beyond what they have now.

Before Christen has a chance to respond, there's a shuffling behind them, Ashlyn's body tensing as she whirls around, rifle raised.

“Easy there, tiger,” Tobin says with a grin, holding her hands up in mock surrender as she and Sydney step forward. “Just here for the changing of the guard.”

Ashlyn relaxes at the identity of their sudden companions, shoulders dropping as she holds out the rifle for Tobin to take.

“Announce yourself next time, Heath,” she says, nudging Tobin’s shoulder, “or I might be like you and start throwing knives without investigating.”

Tobin’s lips spread into a wide grin in response, before she reaches up and tugs the beanie off Ashlyn’s head, pulling it onto her own.

“There," she quips, eyes sparkling with a hint of mischievousness, "much better." She blows out a breath, pulling the rifle strap over her shoulder before rubbing her hands together. "It’s kinda chilly up here.”

“Just be glad we found those blankets,” Sydney responds, taking the other rifle from Christen with a small nod. “Otherwise we’d all be freezing our asses off.”

Ashlyn lets out a sound of agreement, crossing her arms over her chest to keep out the chill of the late fall air. During one of their many supply runs over the last week, Kelley had dragged them all into a dorm building, raiding as many rooms as possible to find food, blankets, and anything else they’d need. It had proven to be their most fruitful scavenge yet, the kitchen stock piled with Pop-Tarts and other non perishables from the dorm rooms, and everyone had more than enough blankets and clothing to make themselves comfortable and stay warm.

“Go on and rest,” Sydney says softly, eyeing Ashlyn as a yawn drags through her, the other girl knowing her exhaustion was showing. Even when she hasn’t been on guard duty, she’s hardly been able to rest, often coming up to the roof just to check on everyone and make sure things were okay. “We got this.”

Despite the fact that she normally would have protested, Ashlyn can only nod, shuffling her feet towards the door that will take them down into the building, Christen just a few steps behind her.

By the time they make it down the stairs and back into the building, Ashlyn’s eyes are drooping heavily, the short haired girl barely managing out a grunt of acknowledgement in Christen’s direction before pushing the door open into her room.

Shrugging off her jacket, she slumps down onto her bed, sleep taking over before she manages to even shuck off her boots.

 

* * *

 

It's pitch black when she comes to several hours later, mind foggy as she sits up and looked around the room. There's no streetlights on out the window, so Ashlyn fumbles for the flashlight she keeps by her bed, yawning as she stands to her feet and grabs her jacket and her shotgun. Stepping out into the hallway, she frowns when she notices the absolute silence that surrounds her, worry instantly clawing painfully in her stomach. It'ss possible that everyone's asleep, but still, Ashlyn feels a level of concern, especially when she peeks her head into a few of the rooms, and doesn’t see a single person.

She makes her way to the stairs, climbing them two at a time in a rush to get to the roof, figuring she can check in with whoever was on guard and figure out where everyone else had disappeared to at such a late hour.

As she pushes open the door, her fears about her companions vanish, all seven of them sitting in a circle at the center of the roof, a small fire burning in the middle of the group. Dom and Ali have the rifles resting next to them, so Ashlyn assumes she had slept all the way into the next shift, but her eyes narrow when she realizes what exactly was occurring on the roof in her absence.

“Really guys,” she says with a bit of bite in her tone, making her presence known as she steps into the circle and drops into a sitting position between Tobin and Kelley. “You really think alcohol is a good idea?”

“Ah, c’mon, Harris,” Dom replies with a shrug, passing her the bottle of whiskey in his hand, “it’s not like we’re getting shiftfaced.”

She takes the bottle, but doesn’t drink, scanning the faces around her. There are some glassy eyes, and a few lazy smiles, but everyone seems relatively coherent.

“Saying it’s been a stressful week would be the understatement of the century,” Alex says with a shrug when she sees Ashlyn's calculating gaze, taking a swig from the wine bottle in her hand. “Dom found a bunch of this when we were going through that dorm, and we figured, why the hell not?”

Ashlyn sighs, the voice in the back of her head telling her this is a bad idea, that they can’t let their guard down, even for a moment. But as her eyes scan the group, they fall upon Ali, the brunette clearly having enjoyed her own drinks in the time that Ashlyn has been asleep. Her eyes are glossy, her hair loose around her face, but for the first time in the week since they’d been there, she doesn’t look like she's just moments from crying.

“Fine,” Ashlyn finally answers with a shrug, taking a sip of the whiskey and wincing as it burns down her throat before glancing in Dom's direction “but I’m not holding your hair back when you puke."

“You wound me,” he replies, reaching out to take the whiskey bottle from her to take a sip before handing it back, “I’m a drinking pro.”

“Oh please,” Kelley responds with a laugh, taking a small sip from the bottle in her hand, “you remember that one time you passed out in the middle of the field and coach found you the next morning when we had practice?”

Dom visibly winces, chuckles sounding around the circle. “Alright, not my proudest moment, but at least it beats Trashlyn over here climbing onto the roof of that damn house and singing at the top of her lungs.”

Ashlyn feels her cheeks warm at the memory, hand lifting automatically so she can take another sip of whiskey in an attempt to hide her embarrassment.

“So, hang on a second,” Sydney interrupts, reaching for the bottle in Alex’s hand, “did you all know each other? Y’know, before all of this?” Her eyebrows arches as she sat back slightly, leaning her head against Alex’s shoulder. “Jeez, I feel like the odd one out.”

Dom grins in response, nodding his head. “Pretty much. Alex and Ashlyn graduated a little over a year ago. Ali redshirted, so this is her fifth year. Me and Tobin are - were - seniors.” If anyone notices his correction on their status, they don’t comment on it.

“And me and Kelley are the babies,” Christen says with a smile, throwing her arm around Kelley’s shoulder. “Those guys were only around our freshman year, but it was enough to get to know how crazy that one is.” She nods towards Ashlyn, eye glinting at the memories.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ashlyn responds, shaking her head, “I don’t think we need to go there.”

“What about you, Syd?” Dom asks, shifting his position slightly so he can look around Ali to see her better, “where’d you go to school?”

“UCLA,” she responds, grinning at the boos and hisses from around the circle, the college rivalry forever in tact. “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she dismisses them all with wave of her hand before pointing at Ashlyn and Alex, “these two never let me forget I wasn’t a Tar Heel. I’ve played with them for two seasons now, and they still won’t let me in on their weird pre-game rituals.”

“Not a chance, Leroux,” Ashlyn says with a shake of her head, “that’s privileged UNC information.”

Sydney just rolls her eyes in response.

They continue to reminisce, regaling Sydney with stories of UNC days past while Sydney shares her own stories about her time on the Pride with Alex and Ashlyn. Everyone has something to share, even Ali, who has stayed relatively quiet since Ashlyn made her way the roof.  Ashlyn can’t help but notice, though, that every story she shares avoids mentioning either Ashlyn or Hope, just as her gaze avoids the short haired girl sitting across from her.

“Jesus, you guys,” Ashlyn says with a low chuckle when she notices the fire has fallen over and is starting to die out, the logs hardly lit but rolling too far out to the edge of the makeshift pit, “who the hell built this thing.”

Without waiting for a response, she pushes onto her knees and shuffles closer, grabbing a few sticks and smaller logs from the pile beside their poorly made pit, throwing them in and watching as the flames came to life again.

“My bad, Smokey the Bear,” Christen says in response, “not all of us our survival pros like you.”

“Yeah,” Tobin adds, glancing over at Ashlyn, “how many times did you have to take us on camping trips before you realized that none of us knew what the hell we were doing.”

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad,” Ashlyn supplies, but the murmurs of disagreement pulled a pout to her lips. “You guys really hated it that much?”

“Of course we didn’t hate it,” Alex says, leaning forward to meet Ashlyn’s eyes. “Even with the bugs and the dirt and the..” She trails off, visibly shuddering as the others laugh.

“It was great, Ashlyn,” Kelley supplies, nodding her head in Ashlyn’s direction. “We all may have complained, but we had a blast. And besides, didn’t Anson say we played better after weekends like that?”

“It’s true,” Christen responds. “We all thought you were kinda crazy, but you were our captain, so we went with it. I gotta hand it to you, Harris. There’s nothing like building a tent in the pitch black to bring teammates together.”

Ashlyn grins, unable to help the way her eyes drift towards Ali at the memory Christen's words invoke.

It had been one of the first trips of her final year, Christen and Kelley just freshman at the time. They’d left with plenty of time to get to the campground before dark, but Ali and Ashlyn had gotten decidedly distracted with each other during a pit stop at a gas station, and put the entire group behind schedule. They’d teased the two of them about it the entire weekend, their teammates making sure to rattle and shake their tent anytime the two were in it together, often hollering about things to do and how they couldn’t be late.

Ashlyn blushes as she comes back to the present, grateful for the darkness around her as she feels warmth spread across her cheeks.  

Across the circle, Ali's caught up in her own reminiscing, the hollow ache in her chest easing slightly as she remembers the many camping trips she'd been dragged to with Ashlyn. Despite protesting, earning herself the affectionate nickname of "princess," she'd loved every second of it. It was something she hadn't allowed herself to miss since Ashlyn had been gone, but with the memories suddenly brought to the forefront of her mind, she's powerless to stop it.

“That was at Falls Lake,” she says softly, breaking the silence and lifting her eyes so they meet Ashlyn’s across the fire. “We used to go there almost every off weekend during the season.”

“That was it,” Tobin says with a laugh, clapping her hands and completely oblivious to the sudden shift in mood between Ali and Ashlyn. “Falls Lake. That place was freaking amazing.”

Everyone else continues to talk, but Ashlyn can only hear a buzzing in her ears, a knot forming in her throat as the words she had been about to say are swallowed down. They’d been successfully avoiding each other’s gaze in the last week, but now that whiskey has caught hazel, Ashlyn can’t tear herself away. The air suddenly feels thick, a heavy brick settling in her stomach. She wants a drink, but she doesn’t dare break the eye contact.

She doesn't need to worry, though. Only a few seconds later, Tobin lets out a loud yawn, prompting Dom to check his watch before letting out a low whistle. The interruption breaks Ali’s gaze, her eyes widening before she looks away. Ashlyn doesn’t want to admit it, but she could swear she saw Ali’s cheeks pink at the realization they’d been staring at each other.

“Shit, we’ve been up here for hours. Might be time to hit the hay,” Dom says, standing from his spot on the floor and grabbing his gun. “Alex, Kel, you sure you guys are okay to keep watch?”

Alex simply nods, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders before taking the rifle from Dom’s outstretched hand. “We totally got this.”

Everyone else shuffles around and begins gathering their things, Dom and Ashlyn kicking at the fire until the ashes are sufficiently spread, the haphazard bricks they’d thrown together to form a pit keeping the glowing embers contained. Ashlyn watches the burning wood with an intense fascination, the whiskey making her head buzz slightly as she watches the glowing embers shift from a dark red to orange and back again. She can hear the others moving around her, but it takes her a moment to tear her gaze away, her mind unable to stop running at a mile a minute.

She wants to talk to Ali. No, _god_ , she _needs_  to talk to Ali. Despite everything that has happened between them, despite Hope, despite their break-up, she still cares for the other girl, and she’d seen it in Ali’s eyes when she’d finally looked at her across the fire. Ali cares about her, too. She’s done her best to avoid her for the last week, and Ashlyn knows that of course Ali is still grieving, but the blank coldness that she’d seen that first night was gone. It wasn’t the same as before, but there’d been something in her eyes that Ashlyn knows is good. The look in her eyes had set a fire of hope in Ashlyn’s chest, and she can’t ignore it.

The whiskey burning in her stomach, Ashlyn blows out a breath, knowing the liquid courage will have to fuel her as she sees the opportunity. Ali's standing on her own, slightly apart from the rest of the group as she gathers her blankets. Glancing around to make sure no one is watching them, she shoulders her shotgun before closing the gap between them, clearing her throat when she's only a few steps away.

Ali stands up straight at the sound of a throat clearing, her eyes widening at the sight of Ashlyn standing in front of her. She can see the hope in her eyes, and mentally curses herself for letting her guard down when they’d been reminiscing around the fire. “Ashlyn,” she says with a sigh, running a free hand through her hair as she bunches her blankets under her other arm, “I’m tired. I just want to go to bed.” She can see the determination harden in Ashlyn’s eyes, and whatever it is, she doesn’t have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with it in that moment.

She turns to leave, halting after only a step when a strong but gentle arm grips at her bicep, the touch familiar in a way that makes Ali’s chest ache.

“We should talk,” Ashlyn says quietly, unable to give up the grip she has on Ali’s upper arm despite knowing she’s probably crossed a line. Her entire body is tensed, waiting for Ali to turn and look at her, to give her anything to let Ashlyn know that they would be okay eventually. “Please, Ali. Just talk to me.” Her voice is weak, soft and quiet in a way it had only ever been when she was talking to Ali, and she can hear the emotions she isn’t able to contain.

“Please.”

It's that final, soft request that does Ali in, her body slumping as she turns, meeting Ashlyn’s eyes. Her tongue darts out to lick her bottom lip as she nods, gesturing behind her towards the door that led back into the building. Ashlyn can only nod as she doesn't trust her voice in that moment, silently following behind Ali as they make their way back downstairs, unsure if she's ready for whatever was about to be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed. I promise there will be more action coming soon, but first, Ali and Ashlyn need to have their talk!


	6. I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - Sleeping At Last. [I highly recommend listening to it while reading.]

**_October 2016_ **

“Babe?”

 

Ashlyn’s voice is quiet as she knocks at the door, hesitating only briefly before twisting the knob and pushing it open, eyeing her girlfriend where she’s stretched out on the bed, leaning up against her headboard. They’ve been together for over two years, but Ashlyn still can’t help the way her breath catches in her throat sometimes when she sees the other girl. Ali’s absolutely stunning, but Ashlyn’s partial to when she’s like this, hair thrown up in a messy bun and a too big sweatshirt covering her small frame.

 

“Hey you.” 

 

Ali smiles at her, but Ashlyn can see the way it doesn’t quite reach her eyes, her heart clenching in her chest as she crosses the space. She perches herself next to Ali’s hip on the bed, careful to avoid jostling the leg she has propped up on pillows, the large black brace a contrast against the soft color of Ali’s pale skin. She holds out the glass she’d just filled for Ali, smiling softly, the voice in the back of her head reminding her that this is Ali, that there’s no reason for her to be so unsure or hesitant when it comes to the other girl. 

 

But then Ali shifts, wincing as she reaches down to hold her knee in place before taking the water, and Ashlyn can’t ignore just how different everything has been for them in the past few weeks. 

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

Ali grunts, shrugging her shoulders before setting the glass of water on her nightstand. 

 

“Like shit,” she responds, wringing her hands together in her lap. 

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

Ashlyn lets out a sigh, reaching a hand out to lift Ali’s chin until their eyes meet. Her girlfriend’s voice is flat, no enthusiasm in her tone, and it makes Ashlyn more nervous than she cares to admit. There’s only so long she can take it, the distance between them getting to her until she knows they have to deal with it, that she needs answers.

 

“Ali, talk to me please.” Her voice is weak, shaky as she slides closer on the bed to take Ali’s hand in her own, the other sliding from her chin down to her neck to pull her in for a soft kiss. 

 

She can feel Ali respond, but it lacks in the enthusiasm that she’s accustomed to, and Ashlyn breaks the kiss with a sigh. 

 

She waits expectantly, unable to ignore it any longer. It’d been over two months since Ali’s injury, since she’d made the decision to sit out the season and add another year onto her college career, doubling the amount of time they’d spend apart. Ashlyn had been supportive, wanting Ali to do whatever she felt was best for her, but she’d felt the change almost immediately. She’d managed to get a week off when Ali was first injured, and another visit when her intense rehab started, but each visit felt more strained until Ashlyn wasn’t sure of her place in Ali’s life anymore. Her current visit, the third since Ali tore her ACL, has been the most strained, and while Ashlyn’s not supposed to leave anytime soon (Orlando’s season had ended two weeks prior) she’s not sure Ali really wants her there anymore. 

 

When Ali confirms her worst fears, Ashlyn’s not sure she remembers how to breathe. 

 

“I think,” she starts, and Ashlyn’s hands pull back to rest in her own lap, preparing herself for the worst, “I think we should take a break.”

 

Ashlyn recoils like she’s been slapped. 

 

“Ali, you don’t-” 

 

“Ashlyn, please. Just let me finish.”

 

Ashlyn can only nod, feeling the tears already pooling in her eyes. 

 

Ali takes in a shuddering breath, reaching up to wipe at a stray tear that has managed to leak out. There are a million words spinning through her head, and she fights to get some clarity, her feelings jumbled and confusing and making her feel weak. 

 

“I love you,” she finally says, reaching out to take Ashlyn’s hand. “I love you so much.”

 

“I love you too,” Ashlyn responds, her voice betraying how close she is to tears. 

 

She squeezes Ashlyn’s hand, before sucking in a breath and soldiering on. 

 

“I love you,” she says again, needing Ashlyn to know just how true it is. “God, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone as much as I love you. Ashlyn, you’re so much more than my girlfriend. You’re my best friend and I-” She breaks off, squeezing her eyes shut against the wave of emotion that threatens to consume her. 

 

“I’m a mess,” she finally continues, lips tugging up in a small grin despite how serious the moment is. “I’m a mess, and you’re not here,-”

 

Ashlyn opens her mouth to protest, but Ali holds up her free hand to stop her.

 

“I know. You’re doing so great and I’m so proud of you and I love you. You belong in Orlando, and I’m so happy for you for making it, and in your hometown no less. But I’m here, and I’m gonna be here for a long time. I’m staying, Ashlyn. I’m staying next year so I can get a fourth season. I’m gonna work my ass off this year and I’m gonna get back out there.”

 

“If anyone can do it, it’s you.”

 

Ali smiles then, grateful for the unwavering support she can see in Ashlyn’s eyes. 

 

“I’m gonna try,” she concedes, nodding her head before wiping at her tears once more. 

 

“I want to be with you,” Ali continues, focusing back on the words she knows need to be said. “But I need to be here. I need to get through my rehab and fight off this anger. _God_ , Ash. I’m _so angry_ that my season got taken like this. I’m angry, and we both know I’ve been taking it out on you.”

 

Ashlyn stays silent, but Ali can see in her eyes that she knows exactly what Ali is talking about. It’s been a tense few months, and they both know it’s far beyond just the torn ACL that’s ruined what should have been Ali’s senior season. 

 

“I just- I need to get my head on straight. I need to focus on my rehab, and on getting back onto the field. I can’t-” Her voice thickens, lips pursing as she blows out a breath. “I can’t do that if I’m just missing you. Because I miss you. _So. Much._ Every second of every damn day. It hurts, and I can’t deal with anymore hurt.”

 

“This hurts,” Ashlyn responds, and Ali can only nod. 

 

“I know. I know, but we’ll get past it. We’ll get past it, and I’ll get better. I promise. And then maybe someday-” 

 

Ashlyn cuts her off, pressing forward so she can kiss away the words on Ali’s lips, not sure she’s ready to hear promises of the future. Her heart is crumbling to pieces in her chest, and the idea of _maybe someday_ isn’t enough in that moment. 

 

Ali’s eyes flutter open when the kiss breaks, eyes darting across every inch of Ashlyn’s face. She has it memorized from hours spent gazing lovingly at the other girl, but she drinks it all in as if it’s brand new, hungry for every bit she can get before they part. 

 

“Just give me time,” Ali says, her voice gaining a hint of conviction and determination. “I just need time, and then I’m gonna be in Orlando, too. And then we’re gonna have everything we ever dreamed of.”

 

It had always been their dream. When they’d heard Orlando was adding a women’s expansion, they’d stayed up late into the night, dreaming about playing on the team together. They’d been to Florida several times to visit Ashlyn’s family, and Ali had fallen in love, picturing a house on the beach, Ashlyn surfing in the water while Ali helped their child build a sandcastle on the shore. 

 

It was an image she clung to now, a dream for the future that she knew would fuel her to get better, to work her ass off until she was back on top and could fight for a spot on Orlando’s team, for a spot in Ashlyn’s new life. 

 

Ashlyn can only shake her head, tilting her head down so Ali can’t see the tears that are spilling down her cheeks. The attempt is futile, though, a soft hand tilting her head upwards before Ali’s wiping away the tears on her cheeks, brushing away stray blonde hairs that have fallen into Ashlyn’s face. 

 

“I’m gonna get better. I am, and then we’re gonna be together. We’re gonna have a big wedding, and a whole house of babies, and everything. I promise.”

 

Ashlyn nods, standing from the bed to keep herself from kissing Ali again. She knows that if she starts, she won’t be able to stop, and if the panic she can feel clawing at her mind is any indication, she needs to get away from Ali, fast. It’s all too much, it’s too painful, and she knows she’s heading straight for a breakdown.

 

She packs her things with almost robotic movements, tears falling freely down her cheeks. She can feel Ali’s eyes on her from where she sits on the bed, but she can’t lift her gaze, knowing that if she looks at her for too long she’ll break and beg Ali to not do this, to not give up on them. 

 

She walks her bags out to her car, numb as she throws them in the back, seeing Ali come out onto the porch, hobbling on her crutches. She wants to scold her, remind her that she’s supposed to be resting, but she swallows the comment down, eyes dropping to her feet as she walks back onto the porch.

 

“So, uh, I guess I’m gonna go,” she says, shuffling her feet and spinning her keys in her hand. 

 

“Ash.”

 

It’s said so softly and quietly that Ashlyn’s resolve breaks, tearful eyes finding Ali’s as she steps into her space, her free hand reaching for a slender hip and tugging Ali into her. 

 

The kiss is passionate and warm, conveying everything that neither of them can say with words. It almost breaks Ashlyn’s heart, especially when she feels Ali’s tongue against her lips, parting them without a moment’s hesitation and groaning when her own tongue slides into Ali’s mouth. 

 

She can feel the salty tears that mix with their kiss, her hand shaking where it holds Ali close to her, ever mindful of the other girl’s injury. She pours everything she has into the kiss, telling Ali how much she loves her with every stroke of her tongue, every change in pressure that keeps Ali on her toes.

 

Her forehead falls to rest against Ali’s when their lips finally part, eyes squeezed shut as she takes in a few shuddering breaths. She’s not sure if the kiss has helped or hurt, but she can’t bring herself to regret it, savoring the taste for what she’s afraid will be the last time. 

 

“Goodbye, Ali,” she finally says when she pulls away, pressing her lips together as though she could somehow save the feeling of Ali’s lips against her own. 

 

She can barely see through her tears as she spins away, knowing she needs to put as much distance between herself and Ali as possible before she breaks down completely. She can hear the quiet whimpers from behind her, but she doesn’t turn around. It’s not her place to care for Ali anymore. Climbing into her Jeep, she wipes furiously at her eyes, throwing the vehicle in reverse and spinning out of the parking lot as fast as possible. 

* * *

 

**_November 2017_ **

 

Ashlyn’s silent as she follows Ali into the building, appreciating the few moments of uninterrupted quiet to take in the girl in front of her. Ali’s lost weight, a fact that’s visible even with the layers she had put on to keep warm. It worries her, bottom lip pulling between her teeth as she makes a mental note to make sure Ali has plenty of food when they make their meals, vowing to give up part of her own share if necessary. They all need their strength if they’re going to make it through this, and Ashlyn won’t let Ali fall apart under her watch. 

 

She’s so caught up in her concern that she doesn’t realize they’ve moved all the way down the stairs, Ashlyn watching Ali hesitate before directing them in any particular direction. 

 

“We can go to my room, if you want.”

 

“Oh, um-”

 

“It’s fine, Al. I don’t wanna invade your space.”

 

Ali just nods, and Ashlyn steps around her, leading them down the hallway and opening the door to allow Ali in, hating the way her heart stutters in her chest when Ali’s shoulder brushes against her when she walks by.

 

“You can sit on the bed,” she says, gesturing towards it as she moves to sit on the ground, facing Ali as she settles on Ashlyn’s bed, setting her pile of blankets beside her. Ashlyn pulls the shotgun from over her shoulder, unable to tear her eyes away from the way Ali’s watching her every move. 

 

She folds her hands together in her lap once the gun has been set aside, eyes finding the ground between them when Ali doesn’t say anything. Ashlyn may have been the one to say they need to talk, but she’s completely lost now. There’s so much she wants to say, so much they need to discuss, but she has no idea how to start. 

 

Finally, the silence drags on too long, and she knows she needs to break it. 

 

“Ali, I-”

 

“You killed her.” 

 

The harshness in her tone feels like a slap to her face, and Ashlyn balks, leaning back where she sits, eyes snapping up to find Ali’s. 

 

“Ali, I didn’t have a choice.”

 

She keeps her tone soft, but there’s an edge to it. She’s been beating herself up for a week, trying to find any other outcome than the one that had actually occurred, but every time she’d allowed herself to dwell on it, she’d come to the same conclusion: killing Hope had saved Ali, and it was her only option. 

 

Ali obviously doesn’t see things that way, her eyes watering almost instantly as she shakes her head. 

 

“You killed her, Ashlyn. She was my-, my girlfriend, and you just-”

 

“Ali,” Ashlyn starts, her hand instinctively reaching out to take Ali’s, stopping halfway across the space between them before falling lamely back into her own lap. 

 

The silence that drags between them is deafening.

 

“I- I’m sorry,” Ashlyn finally says, emotion evident in her own voice. 

 

Ali squeezes her eyes shut at the quiet apology, the first tears leaking over and spilling down her cheek. Ashlyn has to fight every instinct in her body that’s telling her to comfort the other girl, her hands balling into fists to fight the urge. 

 

They stay silent for what feels like hours but is probably only a few minutes, before Ashlyn hears Ali suck in a shaky breath. 

 

“I want to hate you,” Ali finally admits, and Ashlyn lets out a quiet breath as her own eyes pool with tears. 

 

“Oh,” she responds lamely, hating it, but trying to understand the mess of emotions Ali must have felt in the days since Hope died. 

 

“I want to hate you so much, but I can’t. I can’t, but I don’t think I can forgive you.”

 

Ashlyn visibly winces, grateful that Ali’s looking down at her lap so she can’t see her reaction. Anger and frustration mix with hurt and the whiskey still swimming in her blood, a volatile concoction that fuels her mouth before her brain can keep up.

 

“You haven’t forgiven me for over a year, so I guess I’m not surprised.”

 

Ali’s head snaps up at that, her eyes wide before they narrow.

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

“You never forgave me for leaving. You never forgave me for not being here, even when I wanted to be. Even when you were the one that sent me away. Even when you were the one that moved on.”

 

Ali’s mouth falls open in shock, her eyes darting across Ashlyn’s face to take in the hurt and anger, the rejection she can see in hazel eyes.

 

“Ashlyn, I didn’t-”

 

“God, Ali, you really don’t get it, do you?” She's on a roll now, and not sure if she'll be able to stop before she says something she'll regret and makes things astronomically worse. A hand comes up to shove away the hair that has fallen in her face, movements jerky and rough. “You told me you were going to get better, that you were gonna be okay, and that we were gonna be okay. You sent me away, and then you chose her. Do you have any idea what that felt like?”

 

Ashlyn breaks off to suck in a breath, trying her best to calm her racing heart. Her volume had risen with every word, back straightening until she felt like she had some physical advantage over Ali’s slumped frame. It’s not enough, though, so she shoves to her feet, whirling away from Ali as her hands come to her hips. 

 

The silence falls over them again, heavier this time before as Ali climbs unsteadily to her feet, taking a single step towards Ashlyn before stopping. She gives herself a moment to take in the sight of Ashlyn, back rigid and tense as she keeps her back turned towards Ali’s body. 

 

“I didn’t choose her, Ashlyn,” she says softly, tongue darting out to wet her lips. “Do you really think, even for one second, that my dating Hope for like six months, was really me choosing her over you?” She scoffs, shaking her head when Ashlyn still refuses to turn around and look at her. 

 

“I was lonely,” she continues, hating that she can’t hide the waver in her voice. “I was lonely, and I couldn’t have you. You disappeared. Completely. You didn’t even tell me you made it home safe. I had to fucking call Alex just to make sure you were alive.”

 

Ashlyn files that tidbit of information away, Alex never telling her she'd spoken to Ali since they'd broken up. 

 

“Hope was there for me. She was a friend, which is more than you were.” The bite in her tone is back, mixing with tears in her eyes as she thinks of her girlfriend. “She’d been there, and she helped. When I didn’t hear from you, I just-” She lifts her hands in a shrug, despite the fact that Ashlyn isn’t looking, before dropping them to her sides. “I was devastated. I figured I’d broken your heart too much, that you couldn’t forgive me. I wanted to call you, but- I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't deserve to hear your voice." Her voice breaks, and Ashlyn almost turns around. Ali continues before she can, and she's not sure if she's annoyed or relieved.

 

"But I told myself that I had to move on, that I couldn’t wallow. I had to force myself to get over you, or it would all be for nothing. Hope… I wasn’t expecting it, but Ashlyn, she really cared, y’know? She made me feel sane again when no one else did. I don’t think I would have made it back if not for her. I thought you'd given up on us, Ashlyn. I thought you didn't want me anymore, and I had to deal with that. I had to accept that. So I did. But don't you dare think for one second that I ever stopped loving you.”

 

Ashlyn’s stomach churns, and she knows that she can’t hear anymore. Her heart aches at the realization that Ali really had meant it, that she’d wanted to get better for her, for them. She curses herself for being too heartbroken to bother contacting the other girl, for waiting too long and being too far stuck in her own head to just reach out and talk to her.

 

She wants to turn to her, to beg Ali to forgive her. She wants to say it over and over again, until Ali believes it. She was protecting her, she did what she had to do. But she knows it won't fix anything, that there's still to much between them. And if she's being honest with herself, she's not sure she can forgive Ali in that moment, either. In the end, Ali’s the one that moved on. Ali stopped talking to her just as much as Ashlyn had done the same for her. Ali’s the one that found someone else, while Ashlyn foolishly clung to the empty promises she’d made that they would find their way back together someday.

 

“I’m sorry about Hope,” Ashlyn finally says when the silence becomes too much, never turning back to face her ex-girlfriend. “I’m sorry that it was her, of all people. But Ali, I’m not sorry I killed her. If you don’t forgive me for that, so be it. But I would have done it time and time again, no matter who was standing there. Because they were standing over you.”

 

Without another word, she spins on her heels and exits the room, not caring that it’s her bedroom and Ali should be leaving. She needs to get away, to avoid the heaviness that settles in her chest, to avoid Ali and fracture between them that she’s not sure they’ll ever be able to fix. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Believe me when I say these two still have a lot to talk about, but hopefully that answers some questions about their past (or creates more? I don't even know anymore). 
> 
> We still have a long way to go, but things are going to speed up in terms of time and actual happenings in their world, so buckle up. 
> 
> As always, feedback is very much appreciated. Your comments fuel me to write more and more. You can also hit me up on tumblr @a24harris. I'm on all the time, so come say hi.


	7. now my neck is open wide, begging for a fist around it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song: Castle - Halsey

The days blur together, and before Ashlyn knows it, it’s been over a month since she arrived in North Carolina.

 

December is cold, but the sun is shining, and Ashlyn basks in that small sliver of warmth, sitting directly under the sun’s rays as she surveys the campus around them.

 

“Penny for your thoughts?” she hears, turning to find Alex standing above her, rifle slung around her shoulder.

 

“You’re supposed to be keeping watch,” Ashlyn replies with a small smile, patting the space beside her where she sits at the roof's edge. 

 

“Tobin can handle it.”

 

Alex sits beside her, but Ashlyn notices how she stays back slightly, keeping her feet tucked under her as opposed to the way Ashlyn’s dangle freely over the side of the two story building.

 

“You’re flirting with death, you know,” Alex says, the teasing in her voice only just masking her obvious concern.

 

“Pretty sure we do that every day when we wake up now.”

 

“So you wanna make it dinner and invite it to spend the night?”

 

Ashlyn grins at that, Alex’s wit as sharp as ever, but she shuffles backwards, crossing her feet beneath her legs.

 

“Happy, mom?”

 

Alex just lets out a hum of satisfaction, before leaning her shoulder into Ashlyn’s.

 

“You’ve been...quiet,” Alex starts, and Ashlyn can hear the question behind it. She takes a moment to decide whether she wants to give in or make Alex sweat it out, before folding her hands in her lap with a heavy sigh.

 

“Ali and I talked,” she offers up with a shrug of her free shoulder, feeling more than seeing the way Alex sits up, tense and suddenly very interested.

 

“You talked?” Alex prods, arching an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You gonna give me anything more than that?”

 

“Well, it ended with me storming out of my own room, so I guess we can call that a  _ rousing _ success.”

 

Alex winces at both Ashlyn’s words and the tone of her voice, before turning her body to more fully face the girl beside her.

 

“You wanna talk about it?”

 

Ashlyn shrugs, eyes narrowing as she looks out over the campus that had been her home so long ago, and was slowly becoming her home once more.

 

“She says she can’t forgive me. So I guess that’s that.”

 

There’s not much Alex can say, so she just sighs, reaching out to take Ashlyn’s hand in her own. She absentmindedly traces the lines on Ashlyn’s palm with the tip of her finger, a gesture she knows has a soothing effect on the other girl.

 

“It’ll take time.”

 

“I don’t think time is the issue here.”

 

“Ash-”

 

“No, Alex. It’s really okay. I just-” She trails off, sucking in an unsteady breath before letting it out, “I said what I needed to say, and that’s that. She’s alive, she’s okay. If this is the price I have to pay for it, then I’ll deal.”

 

There’s a finality in her tone that Alex knows better than to challenge. Instead, she shifts back into her original position, leaning her head on a strong shoulder while still keeping Ashlyn’s hand clasped between her own.

 

“You did the right thing,” Alex finally offers up when the silence between them becomes too heavy for her to bear. There’s a sadness in her tone, a mourning for the loss her best friend is still dealing with after to many months, but she does her best to sound encouraging.

 

Ashlyn can’t bring herself to say anything, so she just nods, tilting her head to the side and closing her eyes as her cheek presses to the top of Alex’s head. 

 

They stay that way for several hours, simply basking in the comfort the other provides, until Tobin interrupts them for shift change. There’s a silent conversation between them when they stand, Alex’s eyes meeting Ashlyn’s briefly before she nods, leading the way back downstairs. 

 

Neither question when Ashlyn follows Alex directly to her bedroom, her clothes hitting the floor just seconds after the door clicks shut.

* * *

Despite the extensive amount of scavenging they’d done when they first settled into the field house, their supplies are limited, and eventually they start to run out of the things they need.

 

It starts with something small, a specific flavor of pop-tarts that Christen had grown particularly fond of, but when they realize they’re eating the same stale beans and rice for every meal, the suggestion is made that they venture out a bit further and attempt to find some supplies now that just about everything close to their home has been taken.

 

Tobin and Alex are on guard duty, and Christen is sleeping off her previous shift, but the rest all pile into Ashlyn’s Jeep, loaded down with weapons and fear. Dom and Ashlyn are leading the way, having made the executive decision that they needed to start branching out, moving further away from their safety net of the field house if they were going to make such risky trips worth it in terms of what they could gather.

 

They drive further away from the campus than they ever have before, Ali’s fear growing with each block that passes. She trusts Dom, and Ashlyn, if she’s being honest with herself, but she’s never left the safety of the field house, and now she’s regretting making this her first trip away.

 

“It’ll be alright,” Kelley says softly, reaching a hand out to rest on her thigh. There’s an understanding in her eyes, like she knows exactly what Ali’s feeling despite the complete silence in the vehicle around them. “Real quick, grab some stuff and go. That’s all. Besides, those two,” she gestures towards the front seat, where Ashlyn’s driving and Dom’s loading up their weapons, “and us,” she gestures between Sydney and herself, “we’ve all got your back.”

 

Ali can only nod, before turning her head to stare out the window, watching as Chapel Hill moves by, reminding herself over and over:  _ They've done this before, they'll be fine. They have to be fine. We all have to be fine. _

 

It's a mantra she clings to, promising it to herself when they finally pull up in front of the store, Ali's steps hesitant as she follows the rest of the group inside.

* * *

 

They’re surrounded.

 

It’s been a month, and they’ve obviously gotten lucky on their past trips out, because this is unlike anything they’ve ever experienced before. 

 

It all happened so quickly. One minute, they were loading up supplies, laughing at Sydney's shout of joy when she found the pop-tarts Christen had been whining about, the next, they'd heard the first one. 

 

It only took a few minutes for Dom's gunshot to attract more, the group collectively cursing how they'd let their guard down, too focused on celebrating the fact that they'd found a decent amount of supplies to bring back to the field house to remember just how vulnerable they were in their current position. 

 

Now, they’re surrounded, and Ali can’t help the way her mind wanders to the darkest spots, her heart aching at the question of whether or not they’re going to make it out alive.

 

There are diseased coming from every direction, grunting and snarling and filling the air around them with a foul, pungent scent that makes Ali’s stomach churn. Her hands tighten around the grip of the pistol in her hand, fingers unsteady and shaky as she lifts it. Kelley, Sydney, Dom, and Ashlyn are all poised and calm, but Ali’s never been in this situation before. Somehow, she’s managed to avoid it, always coming up with a reason to skip out on supply runs, always letting her watch partner take down any diseased that started wandering across campus.

 

“Ash-” Dom starts, his voice quiet and strained, the rest of the sentence implied without needing to be said.

 

“Out the side door,” Ash says, her eyes darting back and forth as she does her best to assess the situation, cocking the shotgun in her hand. “You cover the back. We’re just gonna have to fucking push through them.”

 

Dom nods in agreement, not bothering to say anything as Ashlyn starts to move forward. The rest of the group moves with her, a tight unit willing to follow their leader as Ashlyn pulls the trigger for the first time. The kick back is just as shocking as it’s always been, but she doesn’t allow herself the moment to deal with it, cocking the gun again before firing off another shot.

 

There’s a raucous cacophony of gunshots,  but they manage to clear a path, Ashlyn’s heart leaping in her chest when there’s an obvious, and somewhat safe, opening to the door.

 

“Now!” she yells, and the entire group takes off running, Ashlyn’s body slamming into the door as she throws it open.

 

It was a perfect plan, except no one stopped to think about how many of them might be outside.

 

They’re everywhere.

 

Ashlyn’s eyes dart around, cursing under her breath when she sees the fence that’s separating them from the Jeep, pulled up close to the door they’d originally entered. It’s not insurmountable, but it will slow them down. Still, there’s not much in terms of options, so they’ll take what they can get. 

 

“This way!”

 

Firing off a few more shots, she clears a wide path for them, taking only a moment to glance behind her and make sure everyone is following.

 

Her heart falls into her stomach at the sight that greets her.

 

Ali’s terrified. Her eyes are wide and panicked, and Ashlyn can see how her pace slows with each step, as though she’s realizing just how much of an upward battle they’ve been thrust into. The gun in her hand is hanging loosely at her side, as though Ali’s forgotten she even has the weapon to defend herself. Her steps falter, and she falls behind Dom, trailing the group.

 

It’s a dangerous position to be in, and Ashlyn acts before she can stop herself.

 

“Ashlyn!” Sydney yells when she breaks rank, but she waves her off, waving towards the fence and the Jeep just beyond it.

 

“Fucking go, Syd!”

 

She cocks her gun as she moves towards the back of the group, firing off shots towards diseased that are coming at Ali from multiple angles.

 

She doesn’t hesitate when she reaches her, throwing an arm around Ali’s waist and tugging her closer, pivoting on her feet and moving them faster along their path.

 

“Now’s not the time,” she snaps, harshness in her tone a necessary evil to bring Ali back into focus. She needs her fighting to survive, not resigning herself to her perceived fate.

 

She breathes a sigh of relief when she sees the team clearing the fence, wincing visibly when Dom stumbles over his landing.

 

Ashlyn pushes Ali forward roughly, her lungs burning under the exertion, eyes wild at the sight of the fence just a few feet in front of them.

 

She can hear the grunting and shuffling behind her, sweat stinging her eyes, mixing with the tears of relief that she can feel forming the second Ali starts climbing over the fence.

 

She’s clambering over herself the second Ali clears the top, kicking her legs out when she feels rough hands grip at her ankles.

 

They’re right on her, she can feel them. Smell them. It makes her stomach churn, but as she sees Ali hit the ground, safely on the other side of the fence, she finds a sudden burst of energy, arms tightening as she vaults herself over the top.

 

“Fuck!”

 

The pain that rips through her is almost blinding, her body colliding with the hard ground with a sickening thud.

 

The warmth that spreads across her arm, combined with the metallic smell that hits her nostrils, is enough to make her stomach turn.

 

_ No, _ she thinks, squeezing her eyes shut,  _ no, no, no. _ She can’t have been bitten. She can’t. She’s not ready to die.  _ Fuck. _

 

“Dom!”

 

Ali’s voice cuts through her clouded mind, her eyes opening just in time to see Ali’s head block the blinding sunlight.

 

“Al,” she murmurs, a giddy smile spreading across her lips.

 

“Shit,” Ali murmurs, taking a moment to survey the damage. “Dom, she’s bleeding. A lot.”

 

Ali goes into autopilot mode as she reaches for Ashlyn’s belt, undoing it with shaking fingers and yanking it free from Ashlyn’s belt loops.

 

“Alex,” she hears Ashlyn murmur, her heart catching in her throat at how pale the other girl looks, how her eyes are unfocused. “We can’t. Not right now. Ali might see.”

 

Her brow furrows in confusion at that, a sinking feeling settling in her gut, but she pushes it aside, reaching with shaky hands for the gash that’s bleeding profusely from Ashlyn’s arm. She slips the belt underneath it, careful to avoid pressing directly onto the wound. Dom’s joined her now, taking over when he sees just how badly she’s shaking.

 

“Ali, Al, hey, it’s okay. I’ve got it.”

 

She sits back slightly at Dom’s words, though her hands stay touching Ashlyn, gripping onto the fabric that covers her good arm, needing the touch that grounds her to the moment and keeps her focused. She can only watch as Dom tightens the belt around her arm just above the wound, cutting off the blood supply and, hopefully, keeping Ashlyn’s blood loss to a minimum.

 

“Ash!” Ali cries when she sees her eyes start to flutter, hand reaching out to cup her cheek, “Ash, stay with me. Hey, hey, c’mon, open your eyes, please.”

 

Her words are useless, Ashlyn’s eyes staying shut as her body lies motionless on the floor.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Definitely on the shorter side, but the next chapter will pick up RIGHT where this one left off, so I consider them two halves of the same chapter.
> 
> Sorry for the delay on posting! My niece arrived right when I was planning on sitting down and banging this out, and then life just got crazy after that and writing unfortunately had to take a backseat. But don't worry, I'm still here and very much in to finishing both of my stories. 
> 
> As always, hit me up here or on tumblr @a24harris. I would love to hear your thoughts!


	8. it looks like you might be one of us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Hope you enjoy. 
> 
> Chapter title song: Heathens - Twenty One Pilots

Chapter 8 - It looks like you might be one of us

Heathens - Twenty One Pilots

 

There are footsteps pounding on the ground behind her, but Ali hardly registers the sound, her entire being focused on the girl lying on the ground in front of her. 

 

“Kelley,” Dom yells when he realizes Ashlyn’s lost consciousness, wild eyes darting around them, “get the fuck over here.”

 

Ali can see the panic in his eyes, in the way shaky breaths fall from his lips, sweat sliding down his forehead. But his voice is calm, steady as he pulls the knife from the sheath just below Ashlyn’s arm, using it to cut away the sleeve of her shirt in an attempt to survey the damage.

 

By the time Kelley’s crouched beside them, Dom’s breathing out a sigh of relief.

 

“It’s not a bite.”

 

The collective sighs of relief cuts the tension significantly, but they continue to work at an almost manic pace. Kelley’s already digging through her bag, doing her best to clean the wound. Ali, for her part, can do nothing but stare, barely registering the sweat that’s stinging her eyes.

 

“Kelley,” she half whispers, half whines, needing something from her silent friend as she surveys the damage.

 

Kelley doesn’t respond, the concentration evident in her furrowed brow and narrowed eyes, but Ali can feel the panic clawing at her throat, and she needs something - some sort of reassurance that Ashlyn is going to be okay. 

 

“Kelley, please,” she breathes out, the words hardly formed around the lump in her throat. 

 

“I can’t do anything here,” Kelley bites out in response, the frustration evident in her tone. Her hands are anything but steady as they wrap the gaping wound in gauze, the white stained red before she’s even pulled her hand away completely. “It’s too deep. We’re gonna have to stitch it up.”

 

Dom barely lets her finish before he’s pushing to his feet, grabbing Kelley’s bag and throwing it over his shoulder.

 

“Clear out the back,” he nods to Kelley before gesturing to where Sydney has the Jeep running and waiting for them.

 

Kelley runs ahead, Sydney joining her as they frantically work to clear out a space for Ashlyn.

 

“It’s okay,” Ali says shakily, taking the hand of Ashlyn’s good arm, refusing to leave her side even as Dom hefts her in his arms, clambering up beside him with shaky movements and a strangled gasp. “I’m here, Ash. I’m here.”

 

_ I love you. I’m sorry. Please be okay. _

 

The words echo in her head, but she doesn’t say them, catching them in her throat just before they spill out. She can’t say them. Not now. Saying them means that Ashlyn isn’t going to be okay, and Ali can’t believe that’s possible. 

 

When they reach the Jeep, Ali clambers into the back, squeezing herself into the side before turning to Dom, holding out her arms to help as he gingerly places Ashlyn down, shaking, unsteady hands reaching to cradle her head. The stench of blood that fills the air makes her stomach churn unpleasantly, but she swallows it down, nodding silently to Dom to signal that they’re settled. He makes no comment, just nodding in response before he’s joining Kelley and Sydney as they clamber into the vehicle to make the journey back to camp. 

 

The ride is bumpy and rough, Ali cringing every time the Jeep is jostled, watching how fresh crimson seeps through the already blood stained gauze. Her eyes sting with unshed tears, teeth biting down hard on her bottom lip to hold back the sob she can feel clawing at her throat as she cradles Ashlyn’s head in her hands. Her eyes are closed, and if Ali didn’t know better, she’d think she were sleeping. There’s an almost serene, peaceful look on her face, and Ali can’t help the way her fingers stroke gently across her skin, selfishly taking the few moments where there’s nothing else they can do to soak Ashlyn in. 

 

She’s missed her. God, she’s missed her so much she can’t put it into words. Since the entire world had been thrown into chaos, she’d wanted nothing more than to reach out and find every comfort and ounce of love that she’d once known only in Ashlyn’s arms. But her own pride and stubbornness had held her back, her hurt and confusion manifesting in anger towards the girl who had only been looking out for her. 

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers softly, thumb stroking over Ashlyn’s brow. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Her eyes never leave Ashlyn’s face, a silent plea for her to just wake up running through Ali’s mind. But it’s no use. Ashlyn’s not there, not hearing her, and there’s nothing Ali can do but hold on and hope that she comes back to her.

 

The quiet reverie she’d found herself in is broken when the Jeep comes to a screeching halt, Ali jerking her head up to see they’d arrived back at their pseudo home while she’d been lost in her own mind. 

 

The back door of the Jeep is yanked open, Dom reaching to gingerly lift Ashlyn from the back as the rest of them unload. 

 

Ali clambers from the back awkwardly, rushing after Dom as the door in front of them is thrown open, a wild eyed Alex taking in the sight in front of her. 

 

“Oh my god,” she gasps, and Ali can see the look of utter fear and devastation on her face. “Dom, is she-”

 

“It’s not a bite,” Sydney reassures her, throwing an arm around Alex and another around Ali as she guides them in behind Kelley and Dom, Ali grateful for the comfort she hadn’t realized she’d needed. 

 

There’s an organized chaos as they all move into the training room, Tobin and Christen joining them as they all do their best to relay what is happening. Dom places Ashlyn gingerly on one of the beds as Kelley goes to work digging for supplies, loading up the arms of her friends with anything she thinks might help repair the damage to Ashlyn’s arm. Ali doesn’t hesitate before taking her place at Ashlyn’s head, her hands coming to rest gingerly at her temples as fresh tears slide down her cheeks. 

 

“Kelley,” she whimpers again, unable to do anything else but reach out to her friends, needing them to center her and calm her racing heart. 

 

A gasp falls from her lips when Ashlyn’s eyes suddenly dart open, her mouth falling open to let out a blood curdling scream of pain. Dom’s quick to react, snatching her wounded arm and pulling it down onto the table, holding it there in an effort to minimize the damage to the jagged gash while his free hand reaches for a rag from Kelley’s supplies, shoving it into Ashlyn’s mouth to muffle her screams.

 

There’s pandemonium for a moment while Ashlyn’s suddenly conscious mind tries to make sense of the situation. Her eyes are wild and unfocused, body jerking in pain that Ali’s sure is blinding, the scent of blood only growing stronger as the gash oozes fresh crimson. 

 

“Ash, Ash, please,” Ali cries, fresh tears leaking down her face. “Ashlyn, you have to calm down. Hey, hey, I’m here, I’m here.” Her voice is shaky and weak, but she just keeps murmuring her words of reassurance over and over, her hands holding Ashlyn’s cheeks gently.

 

The rest of the group had moved closer, doing their best to help calm Ashlyn, but it’s not until her eyes meet Ali’s that she manages to take in a breath, the cries of pain tapering off into low, muffled groans as Ali’s fingers stroke slowly at her skin. 

 

“There you go,” she murmurs, finally breaking eye contact with Ashlyn long enough to give Kelley a nod, signalling that Ashlyn was calm enough for her to get to work. Dom reaches to gingerly remove the rag, mumbling a quick “Sorry, mate” before tossing it on the bed beside her.

 

“Ash, you cut your arm really, really bad,” Alex says from her place at Ashlyn’s side, her hand coming up to grip Ashlyn’s free hand. Ashlyn’s eyes dart to her at the sound of her voice, though she doesn’t pull away from Ali’s hands. 

 

“Fucking hurts,” she grits out through clenched teeth, and Ali has to fight back the urge to vomit at the way the wound moves as Ashlyn clenches her fists. 

 

“I know,” Alex says, her voice calm but firm in a way that reminds Ali of their time on the field together, “but you’re gonna be okay. Just try to breathe, alright?”

 

“I’m sorry, Ashlyn,” Kelley says with a resigned sigh, holding the needle close to her skin, “but you’re gonna hate this. A lot. Dom - you should probably get that rag back in her mouth. She’s gonna need something to bite down on.”

 

“I got it,” Ali says softly, taking the rag from Dom’s hand and glancing down at Ashlyn, her eyes drifting between focused and unfocused. 

 

“Bite down on this, okay?” she says softly, rolling the rag and placing it between Ashlyn’s teeth when the other girl nods. She can see the way Ashlyn’s jaw clenches on it the second Kelley pierces her skin with the needle, tears leaking from her eyes mirroring the ones she can see sliding down Ashlyn’s cheeks.

 

Kelley works quickly, but it’s obvious that she’s causing more discomfort, Ashlyn’s face contorting with pain over and over in an almost rhythmic way. Thankfully, it’s over quickly, and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief as Kelley steps back, grabbing a wet rag to clean the wound before wrapping it in fresh gauze. 

 

“It’s crude,” she grunts as she rests Ashlyn’s arm back on the bed, “but it’ll do. You’re gonna have a gnarly scar, dude.”

 

The death grips on her entire body released as the others step back slightly, Ashlyn uses her own free hand to reach up and remove the rag from her lips, blowing out a heavy breath. 

 

“Well, fuck me,” Ashlyn croaks, her voice weak. She uses the rag to wipe the sweat from her brow before tossing it aside, the room spinning slightly as she wets her dry lips. 

 

“What the fuck happened?” she groans, squeezing her eyes shut when even the slightest movement of her injured arm sends shockwaves of pain throughout her entire body. 

 

“You tried to vault a fucking fence,” Dom says with a laugh, doing his best to bring a sense of normalcy despite being faced with the very real fear that he might have lost the person who he considered his best friend. “Trying to show off, I’m sure, and totally bit it.”

 

“Poor choice of words,” Ashlyn chides back, a weak grin spreading on her lips. Her eyes are still closed, and she’s made no effort to move, her body far too weak as it comes down from the adrenaline of the entire encounter. 

 

There’s a murmur of chuckles from around the table, everyone thankful that Ashlyn seems to at least somewhat be back to her old self. Still, there’s a tension in the air that Ali can’t quite place, her hands twitching where they hang at her sides, as though she wanted to reach out for something but wasn’t quite sure what. 

 

“We should let you rest,” Dom finally says, breaking the silence and patting Ashlyn on the shoulder. “I’ll cover your guard shifts.”

 

Ashlyn starts to protest, but Dom waves her off, doing his best to corral the others out of the room. Ali hesitates for a moment, not sure if she should leave or stay, but when an attempt to meet Ashlyn’s eyes fails, she starts to move towards the door with the rest of them. 

 

She’s almost out the door when she hears Ashlyn call her name, her steps faltering slightly. Christen turns from her place just in front of her, arching an eyebrow, but ali just nods, giving her a small smile before turning back to Ashlyn. 

 

“Yeah?” she asks, hearing the door click shut behind her, leaving the two of them alone in the room. 

 

Ashlyn’s doing her best to sit up now, but Ali can see that she’s struggling, a small sigh falling from her lips as she closes the gap between them, holding out her arm for Ashlyn to grip onto. 

 

“You’re supposed to be resting,” she chides, but the way her hand falls to stroke along the length of Ashlyn’s good arm is anything but scolding. 

 

“Not exactly the most comfortable bed in the world,” Ashlyn retorts, her mouth curling up in a smirk that reminds Ali so much of their years together in college. 

 

“Never were one to follow rules, were you?” Ali sighs, stepping back when she can see Ashlyn wants to stand. She does so with a great deal of effort, wincing when instinct has her reaching out with her damaged arm to balance herself. 

 

“Ash,” Ali murmurs, steadying the other girl with a gentle grip on her hips, “you really don’t want to push it. Not right now.”

 

Ashlyn opens her mouth to protest, but there’s something in Ali’s gaze that stops her, and she lets out a resigned sigh.

 

“Fine,” she retorts, throwing an exaggerated pout in Ali’s direction. 

 

“Can I get you anything before I go?” Ali asks, her voice quiet. If she’s being completely honest with herself, leaving Ashlyn alone is the last thing she wants, but things are still tense between the two of them. It’s a confusing ball of conflicting emotions, and Ali’s not sure she’s got the mental capacity to sort through them, silently hoping that Ashlyn can steamroll through them all and know what she wants. 

 

“Stay,” Ashlyn finally says softly after a stretch of silence, and Ali breathes a sigh of relief. 

 

“Of course.”

 

They don’t say anything else as Ali takes Ashlyn’s good hand, leading her across the room to a bed that’s been pushed against the wall. Ali climbs onto it, pressing her body against the wall before patting the space beside her. 

 

Ashlyn’s movements are awkward as she climbs onto the bed to stretch out beside Ali, and neither of them are sure if it’s more because of her injury or the fact that she’s getting in bed next to Ali, her body relaxing the second they’re stretched out beside each other. 

 

Despite knowing it’s only going to add to the confusion, Ali goes with her instinct as she shuffles closer, pressing herself against Ashlyn’s good side and stretching her arm across her stomach, her head falling to rest on Ashlyn’s shoulder. 

 

It takes only seconds before she feels Ashlyn’s breathing even out beneath her arm, the day taking its toll on her. Ali’s grateful, but sleep eludes her for over an hour, tears leaking from her eyes to wet Ashlyn’s shirt as she does her best to wrap her head around everything. 

 

She doesn’t come to any definitive conclusions, but the thoughts do their job to exhaust her, her eyes finally falling shut as she shifts her head, pressing the smallest of kisses against Ashlyn’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!!! I hope you enjoyed, and I can't wait to hear what you have to say.
> 
> Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Concerns? 
> 
>  
> 
> As always, hit me up on Tumblr @a24harris. Y'all's enthusiasm is what motivates me to write.


	9. we hide our emotions under the surface and try to pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title song: Oceans - Seafret

She’s gotten surprisingly good at waking up with the sun, so it throws Ali for a loop when she wakes up to bright light already streaming into the training room around her, the warmth heating her arm where it’s thrown across Ashlyn’s waist. Her bed companion is still asleep, but it doesn’t take Ali long to realize what it was that pulled her from her slumber.

 

Ashlyn’s whimpering and shaking slightly, the pain on her face growing more obvious with every slight movement of her injured arm. The discomfort in her expression makes Ali’s heart break, the way lines mar Ashlyn’s forehead as she frowns tugging at Ali’s heartstrings. Her hand is careful and gentle as it reaches up to cup Ashlyn’s face, thumb stroking across her cheek.

 

“Hey, Ash, hey, hey, easy,” she whispers softly, doing her best to soothe the other girl without jarring her into consciousness. “Ash, hey, wake up. It’s okay, it’s just a dream.”

 

For just a moment, she’s thrown back to a simpler time, to nights where she’d wake up to Ashlyn in the same position, her sleep broken up by nightmares that she never seemed to be able to beat. For her part, Ali had always been there, quick to soothe and ease her back into a peaceful slumber. Most of the time, Ashlyn never woke up and was none the wiser, but even on the days where she’d be thrown violently back into consciousness, Ali was always there to calm her racing heart, willing to listen if Ashlyn needed to talk through whatever she’d been dreaming of or ready to distract her with soft kisses if it was too heavy to revisit.

 

It’s different now, but Ali still knows how to soothe her, the way to press her body against Ashlyn’s side and hold her until she can fight her way through the mess in her head. Ali can only imagine what darkness is held there now, knowing her own nightmares have been hard enough to fight each night when she closes her eyes. Hope’s face flashes through her mind, but she pushes it aside, focusing on the girl lying beneath her.

 

It only takes a few moments before Ashlyn’s expression changes, softening for a moment before giving way to confusion, and finally consciousness as scrunched eyes begin to open. Ali’s there, hovering above her, waiting on bated breath when their eyes meet, and her unsteady heartbeat gives way to a reckless thundering.

 

“Hi,” she whispers, her words unsure as she feels the energy crackle around them, almost electric as it fills the space between their faces. There’s a cloudiness to Ashlyn’s expression that clears slowly, as though she can’t figure out why Ali’s above her, why Ali’s there at her side.She licks her lips slowly to ease the dryness Ali can see on them, and Ali can’t help the way her eyes dart downward. They’re slightly parted and tempting in a way that throws Ali for a loop, her own lips falling open slightly around a soft breath. It’s sudden, and powerful, and not altogether welcome, but Ali can’t stop herself as she slowly starts to lean down.

 

She falters slightly, uncertainty vibrating through every inch of her body, but Ashlyn’s eyes seem to please for her to continue, so she does, nodding slightly before continuing to close the gap between them. The moment disappears when Ashlyn shifts slightly to accommodate Ali’s body, wincing when the pain in her arm reminds her exactly why they’ve found themselves in this position.

 

“Oh gosh,” Ali mumbles, shuffling backwards and off the bed in an awkward stumble and sudden need to put some distance between the two of them. She crouches beside the bed carefully to take a closer look at Ashlyn’s bandaged arm, noticing with churn in her stomach the way the bandage is soaked through with blood. “Your arm…how is it?

 

Ashlyn flexes the fingers of her injured arm carefully, letting out a low grown when she feels the way the movement pulls at the crude stitches Kelley had put in place the day before.

 

“Hurts,” she grits out, before pushing herself up into a sitting position with her free hand, swinging her legs around so they’re dangling off the side of the bed.

 

“Hey, careful,” Ali chastises, standing up straight and reaching out to steady Ashlyn’s movements. They’re both caught by surprise at how Ashlyn flinches from the contact, her mouth falling open in guilty surprise as she stumbles over her words.

 

“Sorry, I just-“

 

“No,” Ali interrupts, shaking her head and stepping back. “It’s okay.”

 

“Al, it’s not-“

 

“Oh, good! You’re up!”

 

They’re interrupted by Kelley’s sudden appearance, her cheerful smile a direct contrast to the sudden tension in the room. If she notices it, she doesn’t let on, crossing to one of the cabinets and loading her arms up with supplies.

 

“We all figured you’d need your sleep, but I peeped in the window and saw you were awake. I wanted to check on your arm and see how you were doing.”

 

“I’ve been better,” Ashlyn retorts with a strained laugh, doing her best to ignore the feeling of Ali’s gaze boring into the side of her head. There’s a sudden nervousness that surrounds her, and Ashlyn can’t help but wonder what all Kelley had seen when she’d looked in through the window. Kelley chuckles in response, crossing to where the two are standing and dumping the contents of her arms on the bed beside Ashlyn.

 

“Alright, let’s take a look.”

 

Ali steps back awkwardly, and is about to turn and leave, when Kelley’s voice interrupts her.

 

“Hey, Ali, can you grab one of those cloths and wet it in the sink for me, please?”

 

“Uh, sure,” Ali mumbles, crossing to the pile and grabbing a cloth, doing her best to keep her eyes trained on the pile of supplies and not on the girl currently whimpering in pain.

 

“Oof, yeah,” Kelley agrees as she tosses the bloodied bandage in the trash, reaching out for the wet cloth when Ali returns. “That’s a gnarly cut you’ve got going on there.”

 

Her movements are careful and methodical as she does her best to clean the wound, but the wound is deep, and by the time she’s done, Ashlyn’s got tears stinging at her eyes.

 

“Sorry, buddy,” Kelley says with a grimace as she starts to apply a new bandage to Ashlyn’s arm, before grabbing another item from her pile.

 

“A sling?” Ashlyn asks incredulously, arching her eyebrows in disbelief. “No fucking way, Kelley. My arm is useless in a fucking sling.”

 

“Your arm is useless anyways, Ashlyn,” Kelley retorts, ignoring Ashlyn’s protests as she hooks the sling around her neck. “Just use the damn sling for a few weeks so you can use your arm, I dunno, ever.”

 

Ali watches on silently, unable to help the small smile that tugs at her lips at the pout Ashlyn’s currently sporting. Still, she doesn’t fight Kelley as she gingerly lifts her arm and moves it into the sling, adjust the strap so her arm rests comfortably against her chest, bandage a clean, stark white against her skin.

 

“Better,” Kelley says with a nod, tossing a few things in the trash before reaching into her pocket and setting a bottle of pills on the bed beside Ashlyn. “Antibiotics. Dom and I hit up the infirmary this morning. There wasn’t much, but they’ll help. Take them.”

 

There’s a finality to her words, but Ashlyn knows it’s not necessary. She may grumble about the sling, but she needs her arm if she’s going to survive, and a wound as big as the one on her arm was just begging for an infection.

 

“Thanks, mom,” Ashlyn says with a small smile, before reaching out with her good arm to catch Kelley’s hand in her own before the other girl can start cleaning up her supplies.

 

“Really, Kelley,” she says, suddenly serious. “Thank you. For everything.”

 

Kelley nods, squeezing Ashlyn’s hand in her own. “Don’t thank me,” she says with a shrug, before glancing over to where Ali was standing awkwardly, not wanting to interrupt the serious moment. “Thank Krieger over there. She kept you calm enough for me to actually be able to stitch it up. If it wasn’t for her, that’d be a lot messier scar. Or, hell, I mighta just had to hack off your whole arm.”

 

With that, she gathers the rest of her supplies and turns to leave, leaving both Ashlyn and Ali chuckling in her wake.

 

There’s a heavy silence that drags between them in the moments after the door shuts behind Kelley, before Ali finally breaks.

 

“Ashlyn, I-“

 

She’s not sure what comes over her, and it feels a bit like whiplash, but before Ashlyn can stop herself or even comprehend what she’s doing, she’s standing from the bed, crossing the space between the two of them until she’s standing directly in front of Ali. Her chest is heaving, the cut on her arm is throbbing in pain, but none of that matters as her body collides with Ali’s, pushing the other girl back into the cabinets behind them.

 

Her good hand reaches up to cradle Ali’s cheek in her hand, putting just enough pressure in her touch to tilt her face to the side. She doesn’t bother to look for the permission in Ali’s gaze. She doesn’t need to - the second their bodies touched, Ali’s arched forward, begging and inviting Ashlyn in. She knows her, knows every movement and flicker in her body, and she knows that Ali wants this as much as her. It was everything both of them wanted on a primal level, the first touch of their lips after so long sending their entire world tilting on it’s axis.

 

It’s instantly heated. Ali’s hands dart up to thread through Ashlyn’s hair, gripping and yanking when Ashlyn’s tongue demands entrance into her mouth. Ashlyn’s hand slides from Ali’s cheek to cup the back of her head, holding her there in a possessive and needy grip as tongues duel and bodies press close.

 

“Ash,” Ali groans against her mouth, but Ashlyn can only press closer, her chest heaving as she bites at Ali’s bottom lip, head swimming. The ache in her arm is long forgotten as Ali’s grip on the back of her head tightens, tilting her head to the side as Ali’s lips rip from hers, dragging along her cheek and jaw and down onto her neck. Her eyes roll slightly as she tilts her head back, not bothering to try and hold back the groan that fights it’s way up from her throat when teeth graze across the thundering pulse in her neck.

 

She needs more, needs the taste of Ali’s lips if she’s going to have any semblance of control over herself and her needs. She tightens her grip on Ali’s hair, tugging slightly, letting out a frustrated growl when Ali only chuckles before biting down harder, mouth violent enough that Ashlyn knows there will be a mark left behind.

 

The sensations against her neck are distracting, so much so that she’s completely missed the way Ali’s hands had moved to her hips, slipping beneath the fabric of her tattered shirt to grip at soft skin. There’s a tightening in Ali’s hands before suddenly she’s spinning them, pushing Ashlyn up against the cabinet that had previously been at her back. Despite her aggressive nature, though, Ashlyn can feel the way she takes care to put less pressure against her injured side, not wanting to anger the wound on Ashlyn’s arm. It’s a gesture that makes Ashlyn’s heart flip in her chest, the ache low in her stomach only ratcheting higher.

 

“Jesus Christ,” she whines as the surface behind her bites into her lower back, unable to catch up with how quickly she’d lost the upper hand. Her next words are lost as Ali’s lips return to hers, wet and demanding as they slide together, Ashlyn’s hand sliding down to grip at the back of Ali’s neck.

 

“Baby,” she whimpers against Ali’s lips, and it’s like someone’s doused a bucket of ice water over them. Ali rips her mouth away from Ashlyn’s, taking two fumbling steps backwards as she stares wide eyed at the other girl. Ashlyn, for her part, does her best to keep up with the sudden change in momentum, leaning heavily against the cabinet as she meets Ali’s gaze.

 

“Ali-“ she starts, the confusion evident in her tone. Ali shakes her head vigorously, squeezing her eyes shut against the onslaught of emotions that boils up inside of her, making her head swim.

 

“This isn’t, we shouldn’t…” she starts, biting off the end of her word when she feels the tears start to sting at her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” she says, letting out a shaky breath and refusing to meet the gaze she can feel burning along her skin. “I have to go.”

 

For what feels like the thousandth time since they’d reconnected, Ali’s darting away without another word, the slam of the door behind her barely registering in Ashlyn’s mind as she crumples against the cabinet, slamming her head back against it and wincing at the pain.

 

The throbbing ache in her arm is back in full force, coupled with a dull ache in her head, but neither comes close to the heavy weight that’s settled in her chest, making it feel almost impossible to breathe as she sucks in a few unsteady breaths.

 

_Regret, confusion, sadness, love, want._ It’s all a mess of emotions that well up simultaneously, the first tears spilling over as Ashlyn pushes off of the cabinet, whirling around and slamming her good fist into the cabinet in anger. It’s a stupid idea, but the release helps, the way her knuckles throb taking the pain away from elsewhere, even momentarily. She repeats the action twice more, feeling a knuckle split and the warmth of blood as it trickles down her hand. The rational side of her brain steps in then, reminding her that she’ll need at least one good hand if she’s going to make it through the next few weeks before her arm heals enough to get rid of the sling.

 

“Fuck!” she yells out, slumping against the cabinet and resting her forehead against it, eyes squeezing shut. Her heart is still racing, and she knows she’d be a fool to deny that it were from anything other than the feel of Ali’s lips against hers just moments before, and the pressing absence of them now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr @a24harris


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